Much better you than I.

Credulous at best
Your desire to believe in
Angels in the hearts of men

But pull your head on out you hippies
and give a listen
Shouldn’t have to say it all again

The universe is hostile,
So impersonal
Devour to survive
So it is, so it’s always been

We all feed
On tragedy
It’s like blood to a vampire

Vicariously I
Live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I

I found my old journal.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

"Dear Journal,
Wow...there is SO much to write. School started a few weeks ago--it seems alright, I'm starting to find my classes and it hasn't been too hard so far. Also, Jon came home a couple of weeks ago, just for the weekend. We spent the week before he got home figuring out a way to see each other. His plan was to take me, Kevin, and his brother Andrew to see a movie. Jon and I would sneak out and see a different show alone.

Everything worked out perfectly. My mother let me go because we were taking our little brothers. When we got in, I said I'd go get the seats while the others got popcorn. I waited around the corner, as we had planned. Jon took them into "The Medallion" and then told them to find me while he went to the bathroom. Andrew was in on the plan, so he told Kevin they should just sit down and wait for Jon. So Jon and I met up outside the theater and went into "American Wedding." We watched the first 10 minutes and then Jon put up the arm rest and put his arm around me. A few minutes later, I kissed him. I kissed him! I never thought I'd do it first! When the movie ended, neither of us wanted to leave--but we had to get back to the boys.

The next morning, Kevin and Andrew were outside of Jon's house, so I went over there to wait for him. He came outside around 20 minutes before he had to leave to go back to school. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye, because the boys were around :( Anyway, we've been talking online and on the phone every night since then. Last week he told me he loves me. It seems kind of early to me, but I definitely feel something too. He's so sweet--he always tells me how I'm the only thing he thinks about.

Everything is great. Except that my mother ratted us out about the movie, so we got into a huge fight. She told me I can't see him or talk to him anymore, but I told him that he really cares about me and I want to be with him. She thinks he's lying...so does everyone else. Because he's 19 and away from home, he could be out with girls every night and then come home and say he loves me and I would never know. It's true--he COULD be lying to me about everything. But then I think about how easy it is to talk to him, and how instead of going out to party with his friends tonight he was on the phone with me until 3am.

Jon's coming back in 8 days. He's picking me up from school and we're going to hang out for a few hours. I'm telling my mother I'm at a friend's house. She'll probably find out somehow eventually, but I don't care."


Goodness. Summer after 8th grade. Should've known.

Decisions, decisions.

This is a terrible idea. This is a wonderful idea.
Arghhh. When will I learn?

Back to Drake in a few weeks. I miss my Des Moines friends dearly. I DON'T miss science. :/

Haha. Ridiculous.

Dear Dad,

I've been missing you a lot lately. More than usual. I guess it's because I'm getting to that age where things are going to start happening that I would've wanted to you to be there for. I graduated high school. It was hard not having you in the stands. I can't imagine what college graduation will be like. Or even worse, my wedding. I love Uncle Anthony, but having him walk me down the aisle instead of you is going to kill me.

No wedding plans yet...don't worry! I did fall in love. Twice. The first one you would've absolutely hated. I wish I'd had you hear to guide me through that whole experience. Of course, I probably wouldn't have listened. Mom tried to tell me for 4 years :)

You'd probably be pretty upset about me dying my hair. Sorry :/

I'm in pharmacy school. Well, pre-pharmacy. I want to help people. People like you. Mom has cancer now, too. Gramma died of it two years ago. Maybe someday I'll find a cure. Probably not, but I can dream, can't I?

Remember my 6th grade choir recital? I had the big solo, and it was the first time you'd heard me sing by myself. You cried. You tried not to let me see, but I did. You called Gramma to tell her what I beautiful voice I had. I'm still singing, Dad. Lots. I think of you every time I have a solo. I wonder if I'd still make you cry.

Kevin and I found a bunch of pictures of all of us back in the day. It was wonderful to see you again. I have a few pictures of you in a shadowbox that I put up on my bedroom wall, so now I see you everyday.

Wish you could write me back, Dad. I love you.

Gotta love my sexy labcoat.

I got asked out on a date tonight by a guy I've never met/seen in my life while in the parking lot when I was leaving work. He was actually pretty good-looking. It must be the pharmacy labcoat. Gets 'em every time.

Stitches.

I have a fairly noticeable scar near my left eye. It's a little blurry in the photo, but it's toward the left side of the pic, right under my eyebrow. Here's the story.




1) When I was 3, I really liked lollipops. I also really liked running around. Bad combination. Slipped and fell in the kitchen. Lollipop went flying through the air and the stick landed right above my left eye. I'm not sure if it dug in far enough for the lollipop to stand straight up on my face, but I'm going to say it did because it makes the story way cooler. This was my first experience getting stitches. Ouch.

2) When I was in grade school (I can't remember what age), I noticed a flesh-colored bump on my forehead (just above my left eyebrow) that would not go away. Showed my mother--went to the dermatologist. Turns out it was a cyst. For fear of future complications (and because it looked totally gross), I had it removed. Stitch experience #2.

3) This is the most unique, I think. I think I was 10-ish. I was in the basement with my brothers. Laughing and joking around, per usual. Katie and Michelle were on their way over. Apparently I said or did something to really piss Kevin (my brother) off. So much so that he felt compelled to throw something at my face. That something was a piece from our toy wooden railroad track, and the corner just missed my eye...my LEFT eye, right near my eyebrow. Tons of blood. Kevin probably shit his pants. Katie and Michelle arrived just in time to see me running up the stairs holding my eye and crying. Went to the emergency room--lots more stitches.

Next story: my first run-in with the law (Evergreen)

Sarah and the Pokemon language.

Me and my brothers with Katie and her brother.
Yes, I'm Bugs Bunny.

Oh Katie, I am finding that you are one of the main characters in all of my stories. Love it.


Katie and I lived across the yard from each other. Another girl who was our age also lived on our block. Her house was blue and red. Her name was Sarah.

Although we were all friends, Katie and I were not very nice to Sarah in the early years. Almost every time Sarah came over to play, she would leave very upset because of something we had done. One time in particular comes to mind.

Katie and I were in my basement waiting for Sarah to come over when we came up with a most brilliant idea. We would make up our own language and use it around Sarah. This would undoubtedly confuse her, and hopefully make her super mad.

We decided on Pokemon characters to be the words and phrases in our language. At first, we tried to think up what each Pokemon's name would mean. For instance, "Pikachu" would mean "Sarah is stupid." Something to that effect. We ended up just blurting out Pokemon without any specific intended meaning at all...which was much more fun. Sarah was completely baffled. "Bulbasaur!" Katie would cry out. "Charizard!!!!" I would respond, as we both busted out laughing. Poor Sarah asked us over and over what these words meant in our language until she finally gave up and went home, nearly in tears.


Next story: stitches.

I'm pretty good at making paper planes.

Darius came running with me tonight. It was wonderful!!

Dyed.

This is the first time I've used permanent hair color since I was 15. Eeek!

Mama likes porkchops.

So maybe I should tell this story, yeah?

Last time we went to the cabin with the Bluhms was Thanksgiving break 2007. Kevin, Anthony, Katie, Jeff and I all slept in the same bedroom. Lots of fun, except it took FOREVER for everyone to calm down and get settled for bed. We spent an hour or so making "that's what she said" jokes before it seemed like we were finally ready to fall asleep on the first night. After 5 minutes of dead silence in the pitch black, we hear Kevin singing in his lowest bass voice from the top bunk:

"Mama likes porkchops
Porkchops, porkchops
Mama likes porkchops
With riddle 'n rum."

Doesn't stutter. Doesn't even chuckle. Just rolls over like nothing happened. We all pretty much pissed our pants.

If you believed in miracles, baby...so would I.

This weekend was a blasty-blast.
I'm SO bruised from climbing on and off the waveriders, but it was totally worth it.

I can't remember which story is supposed to come next

But I'm going to tell the Casper one.

Growing up, my brothers were extremely gullible. I could convince them of just about anything. You can imagine how entertaining this became.

Now, I was not the only person aware of my brothers' naive nature. My best friend and neighbor Katie Bluhm (mentioned in earlier stories) also enjoyed messing with Kevin and Anthony. One day when we were 10, we got together and came up with a brilliant plan--a story that carried on for YEARS before my brothers questioned its validity. This was the story of Casper.

As you can probably guess, Casper was a friendly ghost. A friendly ghost, we told my brothers, that happened to live in our basement. To travel to Casper's "world," Katie and I would stand in the closet and shake the doors for about 30 seconds. Then, still standing in the closet, we would audibly converse with Casper and friends while my brothers listened in amazement.

Unfortunately for Kevin and Anthony, you had to be 10 years old to visit Casper. Crazy, right? They ate that shit up. At the time, Kevin was 8 and Anthony was 4. Both were eager to turn 10 and meet our ghost friends. This went on for TWO YEARS. I'm not exaggerating.

Funny thing is, the day Kevin turned 10 the age to enter Casper's world changed to 12. Kevin was extremely disappointed, as it now seemed he would never get the chance to talk to the ghost that had lived in our basement for the last couple of years. Neither of my brothers ever questioned the inconsistencies in our story. They accepted EVERYTHING.

One day we told Kevin and Anthony that the ghosts in Casper's world were upset, and we wanted to leave the house to get away from them. Katie and I went out the back door and walked to Sarah's house (another girl in the neighborhood). Kevin and Anthony saw us leave. They didn't, however, see us come back and climb down the window well into my basement.

My brothers, curious of course after the tale we had told them, decided to investigate. They started to head down the stairs into my basement, but before they could reach the bottom they heard strange sounds coming from the closet (in which Katie and I were hiding). We banged on the doors, threw things...it was most excellent. My brothers were scared shitless. They ran upstairs and cried to my mother, who told them they were being ridiculous. Meanwhile, Katie and I climbed back out of the window well and walked in my back door, pretending to return from Sarah's house. Wonderful timing. Kevin and Anthony completely bought it.

We didn't tell them the truth for another year or so, when they both insisted that they knew all along.

We.Are.Wonderful.

HOLY SHIT!!

Bobby G is coming over TONIGHT!!!
I'm SO excited, you don't even understand!

This woke me up.

It dawned on me that I never really explained why I needed to stop talking to you for a while. It's kind of silly, really.

She read our conversations and told you it seemed like you were contributing...almost as if you felt like I did. You assured her that you just "didn't want to be a dick" by not responding. You probably didn't mean it. Maybe you did. Next time, if that's how you feel, I'd rather you not answer me.

I'm not sure why "yeah I responded, because we're friends" wouldn't have been a reasonable response to her questioning.

Anyway, it's not a big deal, and it's in the past now. I just think about it once in a while and it makes me feel a little shitty. I'm sure you understand.

Oh Charles, how we miss you.

Love you Dad. <3

Kevin as Britney Spears

One time we dressed Kevin up like Britney Spears and had him dance around the family room. My uncle was very concerned.

The end.

I think I'll tell some stories on this blog.

This one is quite amusing. I wrote about it every year in elementary school whenever we had to write a personal narrative, and I got it published in a kids' magazine in the "Most Embarrassing Moments" section when I was 12. True story.

1996, I believe it was. My best friend went by the name of Katie Rose. I, of course, was Katie Marie. We were 8, and did almost everything together. We lived on the same block...our yards were touching. Our families were close. We made gingerbread houses together every Christmas.

We watched the same movies, played the same sports, and liked the same boys. One day we were playing "house" in my yard and we asked each other who our husbands would be. Both of us replied, without hesitation, "Chris Rierson."

Chris, our neighbor and babysitter at the time, was quite a stud in those days. 13 years old with giant square-rimmed glasses and a mouth full of braces. Oh baby. Katie Rose and I both wanted in that boy's pants like you wouldn't believe. Well, maybe not in his pants...we were 8. We wanted to do with him whatever you do with boys when you're 8. Play on the swingset? I don't know.

Anyway, because Chris was my babysitter, he and my mother were very buddy-buddy. On the day my mom took me and Katie Rose to see "Matilda" at the theater, Chris joined us.

My mother is not one to spend extra money on ANYTHING, so there was no way we were going to get any food at the movie theater. We decided to go to our favorite pizza place before the show...Garibaldi's. Mmmmm. We found a booth and sat down. We chit-chatted for a while before I got up to wash my hands. I was starving, and was excited to see that by the time I returned to our booth, the pizza was already on the table! Eager to dig in, I took my seat....on top of the OTHER pizza my mother had ordered and placed right where I had been sitting.

The scolding hot tomato sauce burned my ass through my denim shorts and dripped down my leg, leaving a scar on my left ankle that has barely faded to this day. I of course began to cry uncontrollably, and while my memory is not crystal clear I imagine I did some sort of embarrassing dance around the restaurant. Meanwhile, my mother, best friend, and babysitter/crush laughed their asses off. I can't remember if my brothers were there, but no doubt if two of them were present they were getting a kick out of it too. To make matters worse, my mother wouldn't stop back at home for me to change clothes before the movie. I had to sit through the entire show with a giant red spot on my ass.



Stories to look forward to this week:
1) Kevin as Brittany Spears.
2) Casper.
3) Sarah and the Pokemon Language.


Get excited.

So there was this turkey,

And it was IN OUR YARD. A fucking wild turkey. How nuts it that? VERY.

Yesterday was delicious.

8am soccer game with Katie and the Tre boys. My team dominated. I had 5 goals. Katie and I are both incredibly sore. It feels good.

Had a little get-together at my place. Many good times were had. Ask.

Mom comes home Wednesay night. I hope she won me some money.

Hello, Enzyte and GGW commercials.

3 am. Can't sleep.

Bitchhhhhhh.

A funny thing happened a few nights ago. Rather than typing out this story again, here's the message I sent Hays telling him about it:

"So, funny story about that. Last night Carsten and I are at the movies with some people (seeing the midnight showing of Batman, obviously), when we get to talking about your crazy ass. We decide to send you a text, seeing as I had what I thought was your cell number in my phone. Naturally, I send this: 'Bitchhhhhhhh.'

Just a few moments later I receive a phonecall from a private number. A woman asks me my name and tells me that she was deeply disturbed and frightened by my text to her phone. To make matters worse, she is a middle-aged woman, she says, who is out of work and cannot afford to pay for these text messages. She also wonders why on Earth I think she's a bitch. I explain that the text was meant for a friend who must have changed his number. She proceeds to lecture me on how I should not call my friends that word, and tells me I'm lucky that text didn't reach my friend because he might not understand that I was kidding.

I'm still unsure whether or not the woman was actually a friend of yours messing around, but regardless, Carsten and I got a good laugh out of the whole thing."



Turns out, it wasn't one of Danger's friends.
That woman was for real. Ridiculous.
And just to clarify: Hays, I wasn't kidding. I really do think you're a bitch.
Plus some h's.

I have,

a perpetual charlie horse in my right calf.
Dang.

"Cold silence has

A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion."
{Tool}

It's raining rather hard right now. I absolutely love rain.
EXCEPT for when I have outdoorsy plans, as I do for tomorrow morning.
This soccer game is going to get MESSY.

On the bright side, can you say 11.6 pounds? I can.

I made some new best friends.

My brothers.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself that I forget that my little brothers went through most of the same shit I did, but at a much younger age. These kids are strong. And amazing. And funny! Man are they funny. Kevin is so creative in his humor...I would never even think to say some of the hilarious things that come out of his mouth. And Anthony's got his dad's dry, sarcastic sense of humor, which I absolutely love. Kevin's been joining me on my workouts and my friends and I have been bringing him (and sometimes Anthony) out with us a couple of times a week. It's been a blast. I wish summer didn't have to end.

Goodbye, grey sky; hello blue.

Quickly figuring out what I need to do to be happy. I've made myself quite the list of DOs and DON'Ts, and it's all starting to become natural to me. So much has changed in the last week. The way I think, the way I feel...it's all happening very fast, and I love it.

On a somewhat related note, I'm down 9lbs from my weight at the beginning of the summer. 7 to go before I reach my "target weight," though I wouldn't mind losing another 5 or so after that. I've completely changed my eating habits and have been working out every day. I have so much more energy now, and I feel wonderful.

"I wish this could've been any other way

but I just don't know,
I don't know
what else I can do."
-NIN

All good things must come to an end, I suppose.
Everything will be alright.

Seriously?

Can you BELIEVE the game last night? 15 innings, are you for real?

Old best friends and Mario Kart 64. It doesn't get much better than that.

I just got off the phone,

with Mr. Green. He called while walking his dog, just to talk.
That man is amazing. He made my day.

Today,

I am wonderful.

Fallen angel, I'll forgive you anything

Working on a bit of a lifestyle change. Can't explain it--not sure I want to. Things just weren't going the way that I wanted them to.

First day was amazing. Reflected. Wrote a lot. Working on becoming the person I want to be. I've traveled pretty far off my desired path...farther than I realized until now. This may take a while.

I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow


...and I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

Ohhhhh you.

Sometimes I wish you would go taste-test some bullets.

Thanks.

Smile because it happened.

The California trip is officially over :/
I had a wonderful time. Observe.

















I have many more photos, but they're on my laptop, which is broken. :(