Met the parents

And the sister. And the sister's boyfriend. They were all pretty bomb. Next week is going to come far too soon =[

Boo

You've made me happier than I can remember being. I'm so glad we're pseudo-together. <3

Happy birthday to me

A few things have changed since my last post. Here's an update:

-Mom apologized. We're cool.

-I eat fish again. I've decided that sacrificing my health for a cause is going about it all wrong. I still don't eat any other meat, and I'm definitely cutting down on the fish consumption, but there's definitely a difference in the way farm animals are raised for food and the way fish are, and I think I'm still making a difference this way.

-Not going to Cali in January anymore. It's kind of complicated, but it's for the best. Grandpa is going to be super disappointed, but I promised I'd make it out there one of these days. The good news is I have an extra 10 days or so to work and see the kids from back home :)

-The TrebleMakers have made it to the FINAL FOUR in the Lite 104.1 contest. We have another head-to-head today...if we win we're in the championship round. Go to the site and vote please!! :)

Dear Mom,

You really hurt me tonight. More than you have in a long time. I know I didn't turn out the way you hoped I would, and I'm sorry that you feel I've let you down. I'm tired of you openly expressing your disappointment in my lifestyle in front of our friends and family, and telling me that my "bleeding-heart liberal" phase will pass soon. You need to accept that this is the life I've chosen for myself and I'm not going back. I don't expect you to agree with my moral decisions, and I'm not asking for your love. You don't even need to support me if you can't bring yourself to do so. All I ask for is your respect.

I'm feeling pretty good about all of this.

Really good, actually.

I miss my brothers, though. Anthony is turning 14 in a few days!! Ridiculous!

Oh boy

Oh boy oh boy oh boy =]

Moved

I moved my real writing (the url is no longer listed on my profile page).
www.betweensupposedlovers.blogspot.com

I hardly ever post anything there, because most of what I write is nonsense, so I put it here :)

Dear clock on my wall,

I don't know how to say this, but I feel that this relationship is doomed to fail. It seems we desire different things in life, and lately it's become evident how conflicting these desires are. I, on one hand, long for peace and quiet and calm surroundings in which to collect my thoughts. You, on the other, apparently prefer a more hostile environment filled with ticks that boom in the silence of this place. I am baffled by your sound, largely because you have no second hand. Why, I ask, would a clock with no second hand make sounds? Also, your ticks and tocks seem to occur on the strangest of intervals, hardly as one would expect. I am I losing my mind, or are you ticking every 1.5 seconds? Either way, something needs to change, my time-telling friend. I'm afraid that if this continues, your future will be that of the last clock that disturbed my roommate and me. And nobody wants that.

Sincerely,
Kathleen

I'm going to be 20

In less than a month. Weird.

Ummm update. Have I mentioned that I quit the pharmacy job? I'm finishing out the next couple of weeks at Hyvee, then I'm done. I love being a pharmacy tech, and I'm keeping my job at Osco (back home), but Altoona is just too far of a drive when I can just work on campus.

I decided to give up fish today. I'm an official vegetarian. Hoorah :)

Got the tattoo. Scroll down. I couldn't be happier with it. Except that right now it REALLY hurts.

I'm trying to convince my brother to apply to Drake. He's a senior in high school and hasn't really considered his future. College isn't for everyone, but I think it's for Kevin. He just needs a little encouragement. It would be sweet to have him here. He's a pretty cool kid.

I really feel, that I'm losing my best friend

Two of them, actually.

1) I know you have someone else, but I feel like I'm being pushed out of your life completely. I know you hate when other people do it to you. Don't you realize what's happening?

2) Please stop. I know you're not trying to attack me when I ask a question, but you almost always do. Sometimes you're right and I'm wrong. You don't have to be so condescending about it.

Imagine

Love it.

Today is the greatest

Day I've ever known.

Perhaps a bit of an exaggeration...but not by much. OBAMA :)

Met with Dean Wright of the J-school today. Absolutely wonderful. I haven't felt this sure about anything in quite a while. I belong in this college. Studying under this man. Things are looking up.

Will you help him change the world?

Can you dig it? Yes I can
And I've been waiting such a long time
For today

Listen children, all is not lost
All is not lost


Chicago, did you know this day would come????

Vote Senator Wilson

Thank you, Louis Armstrong.

So, I've been sitting in my room moping for the past few days about everything that's going wrong in my life. I've lost interest in school and work. I feel like I'm losing some of the most important people in my life. I used to have a plan--now I don't know what my future holds, and that scares me to death. I've made a lot of changes lately and was very optimistic in the beginning, but it now seems as though they are only complicating my life. I'm second guessing what I was once sure of, and have lost sight of my goals. I can't find reason to wake up in the morning and I cry myself to sleep at night.

Anyway, needless to say I've been in a bit of a rut. I was discussing this with my roommate (as she's been feeling down lately as well) when one of the quotes I have hung up on my wall fell to the ground. "Maybe it's a sign," I said jokingly. I picked it up and read:

"I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom, for me and for you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world"

Louis, you may not have solved all of my problems, and perhaps I'll be down again tomorrow... but you've certainly brightened up my evening. <3

Dear Billy Joel,

I need cheering up. GO.

Without me, his world will go on turning.

Ever have one of those days when you feel like you have nothing left? I'm having one of those.

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Oh, Eponine. What a miserable existence. I feel for you now more than ever.

So much for losing the attitude.

Checked my myspace the other day, and as usual had a few messages from what I refer to as "creepers." One such creeper was a guy named "Eddie!" I rarely respond to these messages, unless they offend me in one way or another and I feel the need to start some shit. Anyway, Eddie's message was distasteful (suggesting he would like to "get with" me) but harmless, so I ignored it. A few days later I received another message from him. The next day, another.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: EDDIE !Date: Oct 20, 2008 11:01 AM

dont mean to come off as a stalker....lolbut i cant give up so easy either....i liked what i saw and read on your page, i'd love to chat with you, and i'm pretty sure you would like me !!! lol :)write me back !!!eddie


To which I responded:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Katie Marie Date: Oct 20, 2008 10:19 PM

Listen Eddie-You seem like a nice enough guy, but I'm not really interested. Sorry, and good luck. -Kathleen


Here is the conversation that followed.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: EDDIE !Date: Oct 20, 2008 10:23 PM

thats kool if you're not interested ....but tell me why ..... lol
seriously.... :)



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Katie Marie Date: Oct 20, 2008 11:10 PM

I'm not looking to meet people online, and the type of guy who looks for girls on the internet is not the type of guy I'd be interested in. Thanks anyway. Take care.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: EDDIE !Date: Oct 20, 2008 11:15 PM

blahh !you're online just like i am....lol
i was browsing and i thought you where cute when i saw your pic....so i wrote you....its that simple....if you dont wanna talk to me thats fine....but i dont see why not.....lool

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Katie MarieDate: Oct 21, 2008 2:23 AM

I'm not online "just like you are." I'm online conversing with my friends who I know in person, not "browsing" and chatting up people I find physically attractive. That's incredibly shallow, and I resent that you think I'd be interested in something like that. Also, "lol" is a ridiculous thing to say, especially when you have absolutely no reason to be "laughing out loud." That's why not. Good day.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: EDDIE !Date: Oct 21, 2008 2:31 AM

"LOL" SHOWS EXPRESSION, AND THE FIRST THING YOU EVER NOTICE ABOUT A PERSON IS THERE LOOKS, WHERE EVER YOU MEET THE PERSON, WETHER ITS AT A BAR, A PARTY OR ONLINE...ITS NOT SHALLOW, ITS HUMAN NATURE....IT WAS REAL SIMPLE....I WAS ONLINE, I SAW YOUR PIC, I THOUGHT YOU WHERE CUTE AND TRIED TO TALK TO YOU....I DONT THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT...IF I SAW YOU SUMPLCE WHILE I WAS OUT, I WOULD DO THE SAME.....HAVE AN OPEN MIND, IT WONT HURT TO TRY SUMTHING NEW...CHAT WITH ME !!! ""LOL""

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Katie MarieDate: Oct 22, 2008 12:30 AM

Listen, Eddie. I tried to be nice about this. I am not interested in meeting people online. I have real friends in real life, and if I want to make new ones I will look for them in the real world. I have no reason to believe that I would be even remotely interested in you, so why should I consider this conversation? In short: I AM NOT INTERESTED. Move on. Thanks.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: EDDIE !Date: Oct 22, 2008 12:46 AM

WELL, IF YOU ARE SO UNINTERESTED, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE ME?IF YOU DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO ME, YOU WOULD HAVE JUST READ THE MESSAGE I SENT YOU, AND YOU WOULD HAVE DELETED IT.....YOU DONT KNOW WHO I AM, AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I'VE ACCOMPLISHED IN LIFE....YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE ONLINE WHERE I FOUND YOU.....I TOOK AN INTEREST IN WHAT YOU DISPLAYED IN A PUBLIC FORUM.....SO I WROTE YOU....DONT JUDGE ME !


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Katie MarieDate: Oct 22, 2008 1:31 AM

I respond to you because when I ignore you, you continue messaging me. To be honest, I'm fascinated in why you persist. I've told you many times that I find you less than appealing, and yet you continue. You're right, I don't know what you've accomplished in life, but that is hardly my concern. You could be a millionaire and look like Brad Pitt and I STILL would not be interested. I WILL judge you because you sent me a message and opened yourself up for judgement. I have a right to my opinion, and mine is that you're uninteresting to me. Period.



Here is the last message "Eddie" sent to me. Enjoy.

not that you care but i kinda feel insulted with the what you've written me...i was trying to start a casual conversation that who know, may have led to more. but you wanna come off as a bitch, thats fine. i've accomplished more in my life time than you ever will, i didnt even realize how young you where.i've been to iraq 4 times, and afghanistan 2 times...6 combat deployments, and i've killed more men than you can count on your hands and toes ....i've gone 71 days wothout a shower, i've gone weeks without brushing my teeth. i've gone 6 days without food....i've been half way frozen to death in the cold, and almost cooked alive in the heat...and worst of all, i seen things that most people could not imagine....from a women being stoned to death to to the burnt remains of an infant child......


Unfortunately, Eddie blocked me before I had a chance to respond...which is probably for the better, considering I probably would've offended him further.

Eddie, you've accomplished more in your life than I ever will? I think that's a bit presumptuous, don't you? I am 19 years old, and have accomplished quite a bit for a girl my age. I don't intend on giving up anytime soon, so what exactly makes you think you're going further than I am? Honestly, I seriously doubt it.

I'm just going to go ahead and throw out there that in no way is going weeks without brushing your teeth an "accomplishment." Nor is killing more men than you can count. That is disgusting, and I'm appalled that anyone would want to brag about it. Please don't misunderstand: while I am completely against this war, I fully support our troops. I do not downplay the strength, both physical and mental, of our soldiers. Being proud to fight for our country is one thing: boasting about how many men you've killed is another. Grow up.

Tattoo

Went to Skin Kitchen today to consult with one of the tattoo artists. He's going to draw some ideas up for us early this week. I'm PUMPED.

Decided on a beautiful flower to go in front of "Imagine." Gladiolus= Strength of Character.

Wee Sing in Sillyville

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BEPt5gOHRI

I grew up on this movie. Jen and I were singing "Boom Boom, Ain't it Great to be Crazy" the other day and spent about an hour trying to figure out what it was from. Wee Sing in Sillyville. Rent it.

Update

Life: figured out.

Well, as figured out as it's been in a very long time. I've been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I'm making a few changes.

I'm getting my attitude under control. I'm a smart girl; I feel very strongly about my ideals....and I like to express them. It's been brought to my attention that I can tend to come off as a bit condescending at times. While it's unintentional, it needs to stop. I've always considered myself to be incredibly open-minded and accepting, but it's become evident over the last couple of weeks that I don't outwardly express much respect for opinions that differ from my own. Reality check: I'm a liberal. I'm a feminist. I'm a philanthropist. I'm a pacifist. I'm an atheist. Not everyone shares my views.

I'm quitting the pharmacy program. I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, and too much of my motivation comes from the paycheck. I do believe that pharmacists make a difference in the world, but I want to do more. I'm going to choose a more open major and see where it takes me. Hopefully a lighter major will leave more time for me to focus on more important things.

I've stopped eating meat (except for fish). Did you know that discontinuing your consumption of meat reduces your contribution to global warming significantly more than switching to a hybrid car? This is far from the only reason I'm doing it, but it's one I hadn't considered until recently. Also, there's the whole "animals have feelings" argument. Sure, they seem appetizing, but if you found out people tasted good would you eat them too? It's disgusting, when I really think about it. Mom's not being terribly supportive, but she'll warm up to the idea. Thanksgiving will be interesting.

I've decided to start giving blood and/or plasma as regularly as possible. I've always wanted to, but I'm deathly afraid of needles. It occurred to me that those that need my blood are probably deathly afraid of death, which is much more legitimate. I might cry a little, but I'm going to overcome my fear, starting Saturday. Wish me luck.

I'm volunteering. Still in the process of picking a program. There's a women's and children's shelter in Des Moines for which I obtained an application last week that I'm seriously considering. Hoping to decide in the next week or so and get started. Jen and I are looking in to helping out in some relief efforts over spring break as well.


A co-worker of mine asked me a few weeks ago, "if you don't live for God, what do you live for?" There are SO many things that come to mind, but I'll say this for now: I live for people. I live for the betterment of tomorrow. I live for the chance that someday we might all live in peace, and love and help our fellow man with pure intention. I strongly believe that there is good in everyone...some of us just get caught up in what society tells us and forget what's really important. YOU are important. WE are important. I don't need a God to lay down rules of morality for me. I think I've got this one covered.

She'll ask for the truth, but she'll never believe you

That was so much less painful than I was expecting it to be.
What a relief. The LAST thing I need right now is more stress.

This weekend is suddenly much less busy. I've decided to spend it figuring out my life. Wish me luck.

"Fall Break"

Sushi station was closed this afternoon. Shit.

This break was....interesting, to say the least. It's been real kids, but it's time to get back to reality. I've got some big decisions to make in the next couple of weeks.

I'm super excited about the TrebleMakers. Beatles concert coming up--in spring, perhaps? Bobby Green is my HERO. He's been searching forEVER for an arrangement for me. Visited him today. Love it.

Looking forward more, spring break. I want to spend it doing something meaningful. Ideas?

New Major

I'm changing majors. Considering PR, then possibly law school in a few years. More later.

Dear blog,

Everything about today is terrible. Tomorrow, too.
The end.

Debates

McCain, prepare to be destroyed.

This feels wonderful.

I am inexplicably excited about my new project. Our new project.

I mentioned to Jen earlier this evening that I feel like something is missing in my life. I'm so busy...I've taken on so many tasks that I don't know if I can handle it sometimes...but something still doesn't feel right. I'd been thinking about this for a few weeks now, and told Jen that I'd like to start volunteering. Being Jen, she of course loved the idea, and said she'd actually been feeling the same way lately. We started brainstorming right away.

We're looking at homeless youth/women's shelters and nursing/retirement homes to start. We want to volunteer on a weekly basis, and are really excited at the prospect of organizing events at these homes. Our first idea is to hold a "senior prom" for the elderly folks. Dinner, fancy dresses, dancing, the whole nine yards. I'm thinking of having my a cappella group perform...we'd already talked about singing at a nursing home, and this would be a perfect excuse :)

In addition to regular volunteering at the women's shelter, we thought it would be fun to put on a show for them. Jen is a part of SWI (Students for Women's Issues) and they will be performing The Vagina Monologues at Drake second semester. We're thinking of bringing them to the shelter. The show is incredibly uplifting and empowering and would be so wonderful for these women to see.

I can't wait. Seriously. We're going to start calling around tomorrow. Let me know if you have any suggestions!!

Tattoo

I'm very seriously considering getting my first tattoo this year. Normally, I'm hesitant about this sort of thing--something so irreversible. Especially because many of the tattoos I see appear to be meaningless...purely for aesthetic enjoyment. Not my thing. If I choose to go through with it, it's going to be something I firmly believe in, and that will not change later in life.

My first option is to get something in memory of my father. But what? I would have to think long and hard about what exactly would best represent Dad. A work in progress.

Second is a tattoo a friend of the family got a few years back that I think it absolutely beautiful. On her wrist, she has the word "believe" over a gorgeous rose. She got it for my mother (Rose) who is battling breast cancer. Debbie is my mother's best friend, and I know she cares about her as much as I do. The cancer spread to Mom's bones a couple of years ago, and while she holds her head high, I know it's eating away at her. We've had our problems, but she is and always will be my hero. I love her with all my heart.

Third and most likely is my absolute favorite idea. My roommate and I have discussed getting the word "Imagine" together, and I can't think of anything that would better demonstrate my ideals. Observe (John Lennon):

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one


I can't explain what this song does to me, but I very strongly believe in every word of it. I dream of peace and a world shared among all people without boundries or war. When I meet others like Jen and me I'm reminded that as impossible as it may seem, this life that I imagine might someday be a reality, if we could only come together with love and pure intention. Call me crazy.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Here we go 'round the prickly pear

At 5 o'clock in the morning

Melon Arbor Mist

=greatest thing everrrrrrrrrrrrrr
+ desperate housewives = even BETTER


Also, fuck you. Who do you think you are?

Definitely, Maybe

I absolutely LOVE this movie.

PS:
Dear B,
I'm soooooooooooooooooooo glad you're okay. For now. Keep your chin up. <3

Daddy

Come back, okay? I really need someone to talk to right now, and you're not here. Who am I supposed to turn to? This isn't fair.

You are loved.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you

I got some terrible news today. One of the most important people in my life is not doing so well. I don't pray, but I'm crossing my fingers for you buddy. Don't give up. <3

There's a place for us

Somewhere, a place for us.

No work today. Well, let me rephrase that. I only work 2 of my 3 jobs (if you count tutoring). Hyvee didn't schedule me today, so I get to eat dinner. Yessssss. Tutored this morning. Midnight to 3 at the desk.

Maybe if I write this in my blog, I'll stick with it.

Starting up my diet again. Plus exercise routine. I lost 14 pounds over the summer and then gained it all back. Dang. Hoping to lose it again (plus another 5 or so) and then keep it off. Wish me luck.

This is the way the world ends.

Brewner, thank you for introducing me to this poem many years ago. It is one of my absolute favorites.

"The Hollow Men"
T S Eliot

Mistah Kurtz—he dead.
A penny for the Old Guy

I
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V
Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
. For Thine is the Kingdom
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
. Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
. For Thine is the Kingdom
For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

This class will be the death of me.

Bio test wasn't too difficult at all. Which makes me want to kick myself, because had I studied I probably could've pulled at least a B. Instead, I'll be lucky to get a C. Time to buckle down, Wilson.

Biology

Dear Kathleen,
Why did you not study more for this bio exam? You know you need at least a B in this class if you want to get into pharmacy school. For a smart girl, you do some stupid stupid things. Quit worrying about everyone else's problems and get your shit together.
Yours truly,
You

Thorndike

Dear Thorndike,
Your theories on cognitive development and learning blow. Seriously, they're totally shitty. There are some parts that I think are sort of interesting and maybe even a little bit accurate at times, but then I read them again and realize that they are in fact totally shitty, as I previously stated. What the fuck were you thinking? Situation-response pairing? REALLY? If you could go back in time to about 1913 and NOT theorize all that bullshit so that I don't have to read about it in 2008 and construct a poorly written response to it at 1:30am the day it's due, that would be glorious. Thanks.
-Kathleen

Kevin

Dear little brother,
You're totally cooler than I thought you were. I wish I'd gotten to know you earlier. Let's keep hanging out.
Love,
Kate

Refreshing.

Dear lady that I met today at Hyvee,
Thank you for reminding me why I wanted to be a part of this field in the first place. I hope to see you often.
Sincerely,
Kathleen

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-chem

I feel pretty confident about that exam. Maybe a little too confident. Thank goodness I studied those functional groups...although that was probably still the most difficult part of the test for me. The nomenclature was CAKE. But what the fuck was that Br doing hanging out to the bottom right of the hexane?? I wrote that it was acyl bromide, but I'm almost positive that's incorrect.

I hope a lot of non-science majors read this so they can feel our painnnnnnn

Story time.

One time, when I was 10 or so, I decided it would be HILARIOUS to hide behind the corner and jump out to scare my brother when he came down the stairs. So I did it. As a reflex, he punched me right in the face. He broke my glasses and my nose bled for like 9832498203 hours.

The end.

Delti i pi

Last night was definitely the best night yet at Drake. Also the most drunken. Maybe there's a connection there.

Jen and Andy and I decided that since it's rush weekend, we should probably get dressed up in semi-Greek clothing (Andy wore a headpiece for a while) and go on an adventure. Delta i pi would be the name of our frorority, and we would act like skanks and make bitchy faces. I can't really talk about our adventure, because I don't want Andy to get arrested. But some things happened at Herriott, and we ended up locked in a room with Darrius and his roommate pretending to be asleep. Then we did some other things, and ended up at Jewett, actually asleep. This photo pretty much sums up the night:

I can't wait forever

Is all that you said
Before you stood up
You won't disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come

Now, if you don't mind, leave
Leave
Free yourself,
At the same time, leave
Leave
You don't understand
You've already gone

Dreams last for so long

Even after you're gone
I know, you love me
And soon, I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you


I should never EVER think about you when I'm drunk. EVER.

I miss

being happy.

I mean, I'm not UNhappy. I'm just not happy, you know? I'm just okay. Everything seems really monotonous in my life. I need to meet new people. Try new things. I need more hours in my day.

I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used.

Oh Maggie I couldn't have tried, anymore
You lead me away from home
'Cause you didn't wanna be alone
You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried


Nap time.

My teeth

are KILLING me. I might just pull these fuckers out myself. AKJDFIAMSCKLDAFLKDJSFKJADLFKJSD

She has the daylight at her command.

I feel inexplicably good right now.

Jambi

Here from the king's mountain view
Here from the wild dream come true
Feast like a sultan I do
On treasures and flesh never few

But I...I would
Wish it...all away
If I...thought I'd
Lose you...just one day

If they asked me, I could write a book

About the way you walk and whisper, and look
I could write a preface on how we met
So the world would never forget

<3

Poem.

In the other blog.
http://www.betweensupposedlovers.blogspot.com

Freire

I can't even bring myself to START this paper. We've beaten the topic to death in class and I have no desire to vomit what has already been said back onto my page. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I won't let you fall apart.

I've been feeling lately that what I have to say is not worthwhile. Don't get me wrong, I love listening. Most of the time I'd prefer it. But sometimes I have input, and nobody likes being ignored.

Sometimes I wish you showed half as much interest in my life as I show in yours.

I'll bet you think this post is about you, don't you?

You don't have to say it.

I know you're glad too.

Finished.

Kathleen Wilson

Math Tutoring

Baker

September 3, 2008

My Professor is an Alien
Dictionary.com defines mathematics as “the study of the measurement, properties, and relationships of quantities and sets, using numbers and symbols.” By age 15, I had come up with my own definition for math: “waste of time.” I had always excelled in math, which probably contributed to my lack of interest. I learned concepts very quickly and needed much less practice than the other students to master them. During the second half of math class, after the lesson had been taught and the other children were doing practice problems, I was sitting at my desk writing notes or doodling. In addition to not being challenged, I honestly saw little use for mathematics in my daily life. Sure, simple arithmetic was a necessary skill, but when would I ever need to calculate the sine of 30 degrees? I was certainly not anticipating a career in carpentry, so most of what I’d learned so far in high school math seemed utterly useless.

Upon completion of Honors Geometry my freshman year, I was introduced to the new and exciting world of Algebra 2. And by “exciting,” I of course mean “incredibly boring and intolerably pointless.” To me, Algebra was nothing but another class to endure if one wanted to get into a good college. Little did I know what awaited me inside room 115.

Ms. Wegner was a stout older woman with thick glasses and an unfortunate dye-job. Equally as unfortunate was her wardrobe. My 10th grade math teacher alternated her attire between brightly-colored pant suits with thick, square shoulder-pads and pastel flower-patterned skirts with Jesus-style sandals. Every once in a while she’d mix and match her suit jacket with one of her skirts. The resulting clash of colors and patterns was a seizure waiting to happen.

The only thing more disappointing than Ms. Wegner’s physical appearance was her teaching ability (or lack thereof). Not only was her lesson-planning poor and her style hard to follow, but much of the time what she wrote on the board was just downright incorrect. Despite her degree, I was convinced that the only matrix Ms. Wegner knew anything about was the one starring Keanu Reeves. While I think we can all agree that that Matrix would be a far more interesting topic to explore, most of the class was a bit concerned at our teacher’s apparent ignorance in algebraic concepts. They needed someone more competent to take initiative and lead the way to better mathematical understanding. I became their Morpheus.

To be fair, there were a few of us. About four, I would say, who stepped up in this time of need to help our fellow classmates. We understood the material despite the obvious obstacles, and were practically worshiped by the other students. This felt good. This felt very good. Each day we would sit through Ms. Wegner’s lecture while the rest of the class basically ignored everything she said. Once she’d finished babbling, we would re-teach the lesson to the other students in a way that was much more comprehensible, and correct.

The entire experience was incredibly rewarding, especially when test time rolled around. I’d never felt more appreciated in my life. It was then that I began to develop a true passion for mathematics in a way I never would’ve imagined. I looked forward to difficult chapters not only so that I could be challenged, but because I knew my classmates would come to me for help. I’d found my calling, and have been finding ways to help other students in math ever since.

My scholarly experience in writing happened over a much broader period of time. I began at a very young age, and perfected the art of writing through the feedback of teachers and fellow students. By second grade I had developed a successful and seemingly creative writing style: plagiarism.

My favorite series of books at this time was a science-fiction set by Bruce Coville. The first of the four books in this series was called “My Teacher is an Alien.” When it came time to write our own stories, I naturally adopted this idea and titled my first masterpiece “My Mother is an Alien.” To my credit, the title was slightly altered from that of my favorite children’s book, and the plot was drastically different. Plus, mine rhymed! It was brilliant. My classmates loved it, and my teacher encouraged me to continue writing. The next time we were asked to write a story, I decided to do as the great Bruce Coville did and started my own series. My second work was titled “My Father is an Alien,” and was an even greater success than the first. I continued on to produce many more ingenious pieces of writing, including “My Brother is an Alien,” “My Sister is an Alien” (though I did not have a sister), and “My Dog is an Alien.”

When third grade rolled around, I was eager for my first writing assignment. I’d waited all summer to spew my creativity onto paper, and I had some wonderful ideas. Unfortunately, third grade came and went without a single creative writing assignment. In fourth grade, the only writing we did was restricted to personal narratives and expository essays. My creative tendencies suppressed, they began to atrophy. My writing through elementary school and junior high became dry and boring, and I feared nothing could resurrect my artistic style.

Then, sophomore year of high school, something amazing happened. Someone amazing, I should say. Mr. Anderson was the best thing to happen to me in years. His assignments had hardly any guidelines at all and encouraged his students to write about anything they wanted. Anything.

Our first assignment was to write a letter. A letter about anything to anyone we wanted. It took me a while to come up with something to write. It’d been so long since I’d had such an open assignment. Other students wrote to their friends or their favorite celebrities. I wrote to my father, who’d passed away two years earlier. The paper I turned in had more emotion built into it than anything I’d ever written, and my love for writing had returned. I haven’t gone more than a few days without writing something since then, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Sorry, Wegner.

For my math tutoring class, I was asked to write a short essay describing an event (or series of events) that shaped my education in math and writing. This is the half of my essay pertaining to math. The ending is weak, but give me a break. It's 3am. Enjoy.

Dictionary.com defines mathematics as “the study of the measurement, properties, and relationships of quantities and sets, using numbers and symbols.” By age 15, I had come up with my own definition for math: “waste of time.” I had always excelled in math, which probably contributed to my lack of interest. I learned concepts very quickly and needed much less practice than the other students to master them. During the second half of math class, after the lesson had been taught and the other children were doing practice problems, I was sitting at my desk writing notes or doodling. In addition to not being challenged, I honestly saw little use for mathematics in my daily life. Sure, simple arithmetic was a necessary skill, but when would I ever need to calculate the sine of 30 degrees? I was certainly not anticipating a career in carpentry, so most of what I’d learned so far in high school math seemed utterly useless.

Upon completion of Honors Geometry my freshman year, I was introduced to the new and exciting world of Algebra 2. And by “exciting,” I of course mean “incredibly boring and intolerably pointless.” To me, Algebra was nothing but another class to endure if one wanted to get into a good college. Little did I know what awaited me inside room 115.

Ms. Wegner was a stout older woman with thick glasses and an unfortunate dye-job. Equally as unfortunate was her wardrobe. My 10th grade math teacher alternated her attire between brightly-colored pant suits with thick, square shoulder-pads and pastel flower-patterned skirts with Jesus-style sandals. Every once in a while she’d mix and match her suit jacket with one of her skirts. The resulting clash of colors and patterns was a seizure waiting to happen.

The only thing more disappointing than Ms. Wegner’s physical appearance was her teaching ability (or lack thereof). Not only was her lesson-planning poor and her style hard to follow, but much of the time what she wrote on the board was just downright incorrect. Despite her degree, I was convinced that the only matrix Ms. Wegner knew anything about was the one starring Keanu Reeves. While I think we can all agree that that Matrix would be a far more interesting topic to explore, most of the class was a bit concerned at our teacher’s apparent ignorance in algebraic concepts. They needed someone more competent to take initiative and lead the way to better mathematical understanding. I became their Morpheus.

To be fair, there were a few of us. About four, I would say, who stepped up in this time of need to help our fellow classmates. We understood the material despite the obvious obstacles, and were practically worshiped by the other students. This felt good. This felt very good. Each day we would sit through Ms. Wegner’s lecture while the rest of the class basically ignored everything she said. Once she’d finished babbling, we would re-teach the lesson to the other students in a way that was much more comprehensible, and correct.

The entire experience was incredibly rewarding, especially when test time rolled around. I’d never felt more appreciated in my life. It was then that I began to develop a true passion for mathematics in a way I never would’ve imagined. I looked forward to difficult chapters not only so that I could be challenged, but because I knew my classmates would come to me for help. I’d found my calling, and have been finding ways to help other students in math ever since.

The sharks are gonna have their day, tonight...

The second hand on my clock sounds a lot like fingers snapping, and I imagine the cast of West Side Story battling it out in my hallway.

I need sleep.

That's how I drink Captain Crunch.

One intoxicated evening last year, we decided to record the amusing things said among members of our group. By "we" I mean Andy, and by "members of our group" I mean me. Enjoy.

"I had 2/3 of a shot, so if I have another 2/3 of a shot I will have had 3 shots. And since it’s Everclear, that’s 9 shots."

"This is going to break my soft teeth"

"That’s how I drink captain crunch"

"Joey, they’re pretending that I’m really drunk and I’m not"

"They’re going to… cut their face"

"I need a noun…'Andy’s wiener'!!"

"Joey, show me your wiener"

"I think I can… I think I can….I think I can" (while making train motions)

"Fucking… crunch berries"

"That was Clinton" (regarding the bill concerning your mama’s sweet titties)

"I’m a counselor in a semen camp"

"Fucking side to side… shit."

"The chair hit me in the face."

"You did not even feel that go in…. He didn’t even feel my finger in his butt…. You didn’t even react."

"The doorknob attacked me."

I wasn't the only drunk one. Observe:

"Are you done with your sodomistic tendancies?" - Andy

"Never EVER punch anyone in the weiner!" -Joey

"I like semen." -Andy

"I was just updating software" -Joey (after we woke him up...he'd fallen asleep on his laptop)

"I'm going to go pee alone" -Andy

Tear.

A friend of mine just got engaged this weekend. I literally cried when she told me about how he asked. She was absolutely glowing.

I want to be that happy someday.

Talkin' trash to the garbage around you.

Remember that time we spent 5 hours on a stats assignment and then DIDN'T HAVE TO TURN IT IN?? Fuck me.

Also

I had to re-pierce my nose tonight. SOOOO incredibly painful. Everything right now is bad.

The last five minutes,

have been a COMPLETE disaster for me, emotionally. This is ridiculous. I have absolutely no right to wonder who she is or what you're doing with her. Why do I care?

Maybe this is normal after all??

Now I'll never get to sleep.

A response to Cameron's story.

My buddy Cameron also has a blog. I told him I had been writing a bunch of old stories on mine, and he decided to do the same. His first post was about his puppy named Midnight who he had to give away when he was really young. Very touching. My response reminded me of my own story. Enjoy.

Cameron-
Do you ever see a dog with fur like the night sky and think that maybe it's Midnight? Funny story about that. Stop me if you've heard it. Psych!! You can't.

When my brother (Kevin) was about the age you were when your dog was given away, we had a pet rabbit named Lightning. He was grey with a little bit of brown on his belly. Totally cute. We loved him.

Then we got Dudley. Dudley, as you know, is a cocker spaniel. Natural hunting dog. He wanted desperately to eat Lightning. I can't blame him--that was one delicious-looking bunny. Anyway, we decided that for Lightning's sake we should let him go. Kevin cried, but we assured him that Lightning (who had been a house rabbit since birth and had absolutely NO experience outdoors) would survive. Surely he could fight off coyotes and other predators in the wild!

Anyway, for about 10 or so years after that, every time we saw a grey or brown rabbit, Kevin would get all excited. He was always POSITIVE that it was Lightning. Knowing that it probably wasn't, I always played along. That is, until last year, when my mother shared a little story with me. Apparently THE DAY after we let Lightning go, she accidentally ran him over right by our driveway. Never told Kevin. I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know.Sooooo if you see a grey rabbit and Kevin claims it's Lightning, just play along. And if you see a dog with white spots, hope that it's Midnight and that your mom didn't run him over when you were 5. The end.

Wall update.

Check it outttttttttttttttttttt.

The quote in the middle of the four photos on the right says "Make each day your masterpiece."

Love.

Faaaaaailure.

Tonight failed. We tried to go to the club...got all dolled up and everything. Turns out "Statik" is now "Live"...and it's 21 and up. Daaaaang.











Had a blast anyway. Lucas, Jen, Andy and I went to Perkins and ordered ridiculous amounts of food. Eric, who works there, is a total babe. Totally metro, and possibly gay. Luke and I were both very intrigued. We left our numbers on the receipt. He called me. I win :)

Mushrooms make your brain bleed, and fetuses appear in trees. Watch out.

I love you.

Just in case you forgot.

Accomplishments.

Today I cleaned up my room. It feels WONDERFUL!! I got my pictures up and everything. My wall contains:
1 "Imagine" poster. BEAUTIFUL.
3 Black wooden music notes with quotes on them.
1 Photo of Audial Sunshine.
2 Prom photos with Taylor.
1 Shadowbox of Dad
1 Quote: "The first man a girl falls in love with is her daddy."
1....you know that handprint poem you make for your parents in preschool? I have the one I made for my Dad when I was 4. It's got my little handprints on it and a picture of Dad.
1 Letter from Grandpa Reitman.
1 Present I made for Andrew that makes little sense being on my wall.
1 $3 clock from Walmart that's stuck at 3:00.
1 Dry erase board that currently reads:
"Decline Drake insurance by 9/12
Write to "Grandpa" :) "

Our room looks pretty sweet.

Time to go to choir. Hopefully whats-his-face is working at the front desk. Don't know his name. He's probably in his mid to late 20s (out of college) and is the most gorgeous speciman of human life I've ever seen. And he knows my name.

Today was vagtastic.

The end.

Oh, if only.

I got a fortune cookie today. Here's what it said:
"That special someone loves to see the light in your eyes."

I hope so.

You know how you told me you used to keep from messing around by sabotaging yourself? I think I'm doing it now. When things start to happen I find myself talking about you an abnormal amount. That tends to work. Or I'll pick something small out that bothers me about him and focus on it until it's unbearable and I lose all interest. This would all be WONDERFUL if I wasn't allowed to fool around. But I AM!!! Damn youuuuuuuuuuu.

Good news!

Got the job! I start tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Oh, and here's a survey.

Why are you single?
Wellllll it's a bit complicated. It's better off this way, for now.

Have you ever wished you had a different last name?
I actually like Wilson.

If a stranger looked in your closet, what would they think?
This is the smallest closet EVER. Fuck college dorms.

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
We were bored of the movie we were watching.
Haha, just kidding. Well, that's totally true, but that's not why we kissed.
Don't go see "Mirrors."

What's bothering you right now?
I don't know which choir I'm in next year. I find out in like 8 hours.

Do people underestimate you?
Often.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Class, then work.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
Probably.

Did you sing at all today?
Yep. Every day of my life.

Have you ever driven drunk?
No.

Do you miss anyone?
Si.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Left.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed?
Probably. We'll see. A lot can happen in 3 months.

Do you wear a lot of black?
Hmm. I'd say about a normal amount.

Do you have a tan?
Somewhat.

Do you like orange juice?
When I'm in the mood for it. But not usually.

Do you get emotional easily?
I wouldn't say easily. I don't get emotional about small things. But when I do get emotional, I get VERY emotional.

Which shoe goes on first?
Left.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
No.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
982039489302843298

Last trip you took to the zoo?
It's been too long.

Did you feel awkward at all today?
YES.

Last four things you drank?
Water. Water. Water. Water.

Did you wake up happy today?
NO.

Whats the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
Brushed my teeth.

How often do you take pain medicine?
Rarely. Sometimes after the dentist.

Do you sleep with socks on?
Sometimes.

Have you ever had to go to court?
Never HAD to.

Do you like to wear lip gloss/chap stick?
Always.

How old do you look?
I look about my age, a little older maybe. I usually get 19 to 23.

Whats the last thing you ate?
Taco Bell quesadilla.

Are you waiting for something?
Goodness yes.

What were you doing at ten last night?
Watching Iron Man with Joey.

Did you cry today?
No.

Do you hate the last person you had a conversation with?
Not at all.

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
Single? It's not that difficult of a concept.

Last person you hugged?
Lawrence. LOVE HIM.

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes! The last four nights straight I've dreamt that Jonathan and I got back together. Each time it happens in a different strange way. This time I caught him breaking into my house because he knows my garage door code. I told him I wouldn't call the cops if he'd sit and talk to me for a bit. We decided to give things another try. Silly dream-Kathleen!

How many piercings do you have?
Six.

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
This guy I know.

Does anyone call you babe?
Don.

Have you broken a bone?
Yep. Collarbone.

Can you sleep in jeans?
I've done it before. Not comfortable.

When's the last time you told someone you loved them and meant it?
I reminded him last week.

Who was your last text from?
Andrew.

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Apples.

Where were you on July 4th?
Fireworks in Crystal Lake with Eldridge.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Hot.

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
3 months :(

How late did you stay up last night and why?
4. Druuuuuuunk.

What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
Friend.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Yes. Four years. Eeek.

Ever kissed anyone of opposite sex?
Ah yes.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

Close my eyes and I count to ten;
Hope it's over when I open them.

Back to Iowa tomorrow. I definitely need this.

Interview Friday at Hyvee Pharmacy. This job would be wonderful. Wish me luck.

I can fake it with the best of 'em all.

I wish I could keep fooling myself into thinking I'm alright.

I wish everything I have could be enough for you.

I need to stop thinking.
I need to stop thinking of you.
I need to stop thinking of you as my best friend.
I need to stop thinking that someday you might think it too.

My heart is broken. There is no pretending.
I don't want to hurt anymore.

I have arrived, and this time you should believe the hype.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
About a month ago.

Looking forward to something this weekend?
Yes!! Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Dinner with Ryan, then the Roast of Bob Saget with my boys =]

Do you hate it when people smoke/chew around you?
I'm not terribly fond of it.

In the past week have you cried?
Once, just a little. Lots of songs remind me of Dad :/

Why are you not going for the person you want?
Oh goodness. So many reasons. Mostly because it's a waste of my time and energy?

Who told you they loved you last?
Erin <3

Is there someone you will never forget?
There are a lot of people in my life that I will never forget. Some for better reasons than others.

Where’s the guy/girl you like right now?
Far away.

Is any part of your body sore?
Haha. No.

Last thing you ate?
Fudge from Fannie May. Mmmmm.

Do you like waking up in the morning to find that you have new texts?
Yes!

Who was the last boy you laid in a bed with?
Joey.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night, typically.

Do you know if anyone likes you?
Yep.

Do you like someone right now?
I'm exploring different options.

How do you feel about public displays of affection?
Hmm. Well, I'm totally up for holding hands...a peck here and there is fine. No tongue, please. Nobody wants to see that.

Can you keep a secret?
Yes.

Are you open with your feelings to people?
Some people. I'm typically pretty open except for when I think I might make someone uncomfortable.

What are you thinking right now?
The song "Starfuckers, Inc." by Nine Inch Nails. The first lyrics are as follows:

"My god sits in the back of the limousine
My god comes in a wrapper of cellophane
My god pouts on the cover of the magazine
My god is a shallow little bitch trying to make a scene"

Pondering the meaning. My initial thoughts were that Reznor was literally comparing God to a celebrity, suggesting that His ways are shallow and vain. Upon further consideration, I'm now thinking the song was meant to demonstrate how society "worships" media personalities, as one would worship a god. I read up on the issue a bit, and found some sources that suggest Reznor was writing about Courtney Love, which would make the title quite literal. Most of the lyrics would make sense with this theory as well, I suppose. I like my reasoning better.

How do you feel towards the person who texted you last?
Andrew? He's alright I guess. =]

What always makes you feel better when you are upset?
Music.

Who is the last person you took a picture with?
Erin and/or Taylor.

Who was the last person to call you?
Mom. I'm so cool.

Are you smiling?
Not at the moment.

How are you right this second?
Alright. Looking forward to tomorrow.

Do you like to take walks?
Absolutely.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not.

When was the last time you cried?
A few days ago.

Where is your biological father right now?
New York <3

What is bothering you right now?
Well, I just found out that Maynard James Keenan is in a relationship, which is totally disappointing. I don't know how to tell his girlfriend that I'm having his babies.

Have you ever made out on a boat?
I don't think so.

Does your head hurt?
Not anymore! I had a headache all day, but it JUST went away. Yay me.

Have you ever injected a drug?
Nope.

Where is your best friend/s?
Nooooo clue.

Look to your right, what is there?
A pillow.

Have any piercings or tattoos?
6 piercings. 5 in the ears, one in the nose Just took out the bellybutton one.

Do you fight with your grandparents often?
Don't have any left. Dang.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing from?
I'm not wearing a shirt. I'm wearing a towel...just out of the shower. I have no idea where it's from.

The thing that was bothering you, is it still bothering you?
Maynard's girl? Nah, she'll get over it.

Do you know anyone with cancer?
Madre.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
Probably.

What bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine.

Has anyone ever saved your life?
Maybe.

Do you get good grades?
I did until last year :/

What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
THE ROAST!!

Did you ever go to a special learning center?
Nope

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?
No. But I was a Catholic school girl for Halloween junior year. Does that count?

Do you get mad or discouraged when you're wrong?
Not usually.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
Brushed my teeth.

Does anyone call you baby?
Not regularly.

Who did you ride in a car with last?
Mom and Kevin.

Last thing you drank?
Agua.

How was your weekend?
So far so good.

Are you happy right now?
Content.

What did you do today?
Went to the mall. Worked 3-8 in Lake Zurich. Dyed my hair. The end.

Where is your phone?
Next to me.

Do you worry a lot?
No.

Do you mind being cold?
Hate it.

Darius really knows how to compliment a girl.

Kathleen: I would be playing way better if I was wearing soccer shorts. You wanna trade and wear my jeans?
Darius: Sure, I've always wondered what it would be like to get in your pants.


"Kathleen, I was just thinking how you look so much hotter some days than others, and then I realized it's because some of your friends are so ugly."
--Darius Voss

The usual.

Pick a word that begins with the first letter of your first name?
Kangaroo.

Have you ever been in handcuffs?
Haha.

Have you ever caught anything on fire?
Marshmallows.

Are you bipolar?
I don't think so. But it's in my family, so who knows?

How long is your hair when it's wet?
Umm, a little longer than shoulder length, I suppose. It's growing very slowly.

What was the last thing you took a bite of?
A pear.

What are you wearing on your feet?
Socks.

How many times do you talk on the phone a day on average?
1 or 2 full conversations. The rest just to make plans and such.

Do you usually have weird dreams?
Sometimes. I used to have this recurring one in which my bed walked down the stairs into my laundry room and then someone shot me from outside the window. Creepy.

Do you like your bed?
Not when it walks.

How many times have you been to the ER?
Twice, I think.

Do you log on to MySpace every day?
Every few days, at most. I'm a facebooker.

Have you ever been to NYC?
Many a time.

What are you thinking about right now?
Deciding whether I should finish this survey first or go pee. Pee wins.

What color is your keyboard?
Black

Have you ever been on an airplane?
Lots of times.

Whats your stand on hunting?
I guess it's good. But I wouldn't do it.

Marriage in your future?
If I meet the right person, probably.

Are you wearing socks?
Still.

Do you like your life?
It's wonderful at the moment :)

Are you ticklish?
Sometimes.

Do you have trust issues?
Goodness yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lust. Not love.

How has this past week been for you?
All over the place.

First person under 'J' on your cell phone?
Jackie.

Do you hate that person?
Haha, no.

Any fun plans for today?
Working at 9. Argghhhhhh.

Who are you disappointed in right now?
Hmmmm. Eldridge is being a bit stand-offish. Which is okay, but a little disappointing I guess.

When was the last time something bothered you?
Earlier today. But not REALLY.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes. :/

Are you the type that would rather stay at other peoples houses or have them over?
I like to get out, but people seem to always convene at my place.

Do tattoos and piercings excite you?
I don't know if "excite" is the right word. I enjoy both.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Yep.

Do you know anyone whose name starts with a Z?
Not first name, that I can think of.

Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
I've been known to do so, yes.

When is the last time you danced?
Sadly, a week or two ago when I had folks over at my place. Jen and Erin are wonderful dancers. We should dance again soon.

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Today, actually :)

What song is stuck in your head?
That "fly like paper, get high like planes" song. Damn you Cameron and Eldridge...

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
WORK. Dang.

Do you smile a lot?
Almost all the time.

Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
Ryan. But I was getting a fruit cup from downstairs, so it wasn't my fault. I called back.

You should buy me a book.

"My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler.
Thanks.

It's 5am.

I just got home.
Tonight was wonderful! Had hours of much-needed intellectual conversation. SO refreshing. It'd been a while.

Much better you than I.

Credulous at best
Your desire to believe in
Angels in the hearts of men

But pull your head on out you hippies
and give a listen
Shouldn’t have to say it all again

The universe is hostile,
So impersonal
Devour to survive
So it is, so it’s always been

We all feed
On tragedy
It’s like blood to a vampire

Vicariously I
Live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I

I found my old journal.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

"Dear Journal,
Wow...there is SO much to write. School started a few weeks ago--it seems alright, I'm starting to find my classes and it hasn't been too hard so far. Also, Jon came home a couple of weeks ago, just for the weekend. We spent the week before he got home figuring out a way to see each other. His plan was to take me, Kevin, and his brother Andrew to see a movie. Jon and I would sneak out and see a different show alone.

Everything worked out perfectly. My mother let me go because we were taking our little brothers. When we got in, I said I'd go get the seats while the others got popcorn. I waited around the corner, as we had planned. Jon took them into "The Medallion" and then told them to find me while he went to the bathroom. Andrew was in on the plan, so he told Kevin they should just sit down and wait for Jon. So Jon and I met up outside the theater and went into "American Wedding." We watched the first 10 minutes and then Jon put up the arm rest and put his arm around me. A few minutes later, I kissed him. I kissed him! I never thought I'd do it first! When the movie ended, neither of us wanted to leave--but we had to get back to the boys.

The next morning, Kevin and Andrew were outside of Jon's house, so I went over there to wait for him. He came outside around 20 minutes before he had to leave to go back to school. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye, because the boys were around :( Anyway, we've been talking online and on the phone every night since then. Last week he told me he loves me. It seems kind of early to me, but I definitely feel something too. He's so sweet--he always tells me how I'm the only thing he thinks about.

Everything is great. Except that my mother ratted us out about the movie, so we got into a huge fight. She told me I can't see him or talk to him anymore, but I told him that he really cares about me and I want to be with him. She thinks he's lying...so does everyone else. Because he's 19 and away from home, he could be out with girls every night and then come home and say he loves me and I would never know. It's true--he COULD be lying to me about everything. But then I think about how easy it is to talk to him, and how instead of going out to party with his friends tonight he was on the phone with me until 3am.

Jon's coming back in 8 days. He's picking me up from school and we're going to hang out for a few hours. I'm telling my mother I'm at a friend's house. She'll probably find out somehow eventually, but I don't care."


Goodness. Summer after 8th grade. Should've known.

Decisions, decisions.

This is a terrible idea. This is a wonderful idea.
Arghhh. When will I learn?

Back to Drake in a few weeks. I miss my Des Moines friends dearly. I DON'T miss science. :/

Haha. Ridiculous.

Dear Dad,

I've been missing you a lot lately. More than usual. I guess it's because I'm getting to that age where things are going to start happening that I would've wanted to you to be there for. I graduated high school. It was hard not having you in the stands. I can't imagine what college graduation will be like. Or even worse, my wedding. I love Uncle Anthony, but having him walk me down the aisle instead of you is going to kill me.

No wedding plans yet...don't worry! I did fall in love. Twice. The first one you would've absolutely hated. I wish I'd had you hear to guide me through that whole experience. Of course, I probably wouldn't have listened. Mom tried to tell me for 4 years :)

You'd probably be pretty upset about me dying my hair. Sorry :/

I'm in pharmacy school. Well, pre-pharmacy. I want to help people. People like you. Mom has cancer now, too. Gramma died of it two years ago. Maybe someday I'll find a cure. Probably not, but I can dream, can't I?

Remember my 6th grade choir recital? I had the big solo, and it was the first time you'd heard me sing by myself. You cried. You tried not to let me see, but I did. You called Gramma to tell her what I beautiful voice I had. I'm still singing, Dad. Lots. I think of you every time I have a solo. I wonder if I'd still make you cry.

Kevin and I found a bunch of pictures of all of us back in the day. It was wonderful to see you again. I have a few pictures of you in a shadowbox that I put up on my bedroom wall, so now I see you everyday.

Wish you could write me back, Dad. I love you.

Gotta love my sexy labcoat.

I got asked out on a date tonight by a guy I've never met/seen in my life while in the parking lot when I was leaving work. He was actually pretty good-looking. It must be the pharmacy labcoat. Gets 'em every time.

Stitches.

I have a fairly noticeable scar near my left eye. It's a little blurry in the photo, but it's toward the left side of the pic, right under my eyebrow. Here's the story.




1) When I was 3, I really liked lollipops. I also really liked running around. Bad combination. Slipped and fell in the kitchen. Lollipop went flying through the air and the stick landed right above my left eye. I'm not sure if it dug in far enough for the lollipop to stand straight up on my face, but I'm going to say it did because it makes the story way cooler. This was my first experience getting stitches. Ouch.

2) When I was in grade school (I can't remember what age), I noticed a flesh-colored bump on my forehead (just above my left eyebrow) that would not go away. Showed my mother--went to the dermatologist. Turns out it was a cyst. For fear of future complications (and because it looked totally gross), I had it removed. Stitch experience #2.

3) This is the most unique, I think. I think I was 10-ish. I was in the basement with my brothers. Laughing and joking around, per usual. Katie and Michelle were on their way over. Apparently I said or did something to really piss Kevin (my brother) off. So much so that he felt compelled to throw something at my face. That something was a piece from our toy wooden railroad track, and the corner just missed my eye...my LEFT eye, right near my eyebrow. Tons of blood. Kevin probably shit his pants. Katie and Michelle arrived just in time to see me running up the stairs holding my eye and crying. Went to the emergency room--lots more stitches.

Next story: my first run-in with the law (Evergreen)

Sarah and the Pokemon language.

Me and my brothers with Katie and her brother.
Yes, I'm Bugs Bunny.

Oh Katie, I am finding that you are one of the main characters in all of my stories. Love it.


Katie and I lived across the yard from each other. Another girl who was our age also lived on our block. Her house was blue and red. Her name was Sarah.

Although we were all friends, Katie and I were not very nice to Sarah in the early years. Almost every time Sarah came over to play, she would leave very upset because of something we had done. One time in particular comes to mind.

Katie and I were in my basement waiting for Sarah to come over when we came up with a most brilliant idea. We would make up our own language and use it around Sarah. This would undoubtedly confuse her, and hopefully make her super mad.

We decided on Pokemon characters to be the words and phrases in our language. At first, we tried to think up what each Pokemon's name would mean. For instance, "Pikachu" would mean "Sarah is stupid." Something to that effect. We ended up just blurting out Pokemon without any specific intended meaning at all...which was much more fun. Sarah was completely baffled. "Bulbasaur!" Katie would cry out. "Charizard!!!!" I would respond, as we both busted out laughing. Poor Sarah asked us over and over what these words meant in our language until she finally gave up and went home, nearly in tears.


Next story: stitches.

I'm pretty good at making paper planes.

Darius came running with me tonight. It was wonderful!!

Dyed.

This is the first time I've used permanent hair color since I was 15. Eeek!

Mama likes porkchops.

So maybe I should tell this story, yeah?

Last time we went to the cabin with the Bluhms was Thanksgiving break 2007. Kevin, Anthony, Katie, Jeff and I all slept in the same bedroom. Lots of fun, except it took FOREVER for everyone to calm down and get settled for bed. We spent an hour or so making "that's what she said" jokes before it seemed like we were finally ready to fall asleep on the first night. After 5 minutes of dead silence in the pitch black, we hear Kevin singing in his lowest bass voice from the top bunk:

"Mama likes porkchops
Porkchops, porkchops
Mama likes porkchops
With riddle 'n rum."

Doesn't stutter. Doesn't even chuckle. Just rolls over like nothing happened. We all pretty much pissed our pants.

If you believed in miracles, baby...so would I.

This weekend was a blasty-blast.
I'm SO bruised from climbing on and off the waveriders, but it was totally worth it.

I can't remember which story is supposed to come next

But I'm going to tell the Casper one.

Growing up, my brothers were extremely gullible. I could convince them of just about anything. You can imagine how entertaining this became.

Now, I was not the only person aware of my brothers' naive nature. My best friend and neighbor Katie Bluhm (mentioned in earlier stories) also enjoyed messing with Kevin and Anthony. One day when we were 10, we got together and came up with a brilliant plan--a story that carried on for YEARS before my brothers questioned its validity. This was the story of Casper.

As you can probably guess, Casper was a friendly ghost. A friendly ghost, we told my brothers, that happened to live in our basement. To travel to Casper's "world," Katie and I would stand in the closet and shake the doors for about 30 seconds. Then, still standing in the closet, we would audibly converse with Casper and friends while my brothers listened in amazement.

Unfortunately for Kevin and Anthony, you had to be 10 years old to visit Casper. Crazy, right? They ate that shit up. At the time, Kevin was 8 and Anthony was 4. Both were eager to turn 10 and meet our ghost friends. This went on for TWO YEARS. I'm not exaggerating.

Funny thing is, the day Kevin turned 10 the age to enter Casper's world changed to 12. Kevin was extremely disappointed, as it now seemed he would never get the chance to talk to the ghost that had lived in our basement for the last couple of years. Neither of my brothers ever questioned the inconsistencies in our story. They accepted EVERYTHING.

One day we told Kevin and Anthony that the ghosts in Casper's world were upset, and we wanted to leave the house to get away from them. Katie and I went out the back door and walked to Sarah's house (another girl in the neighborhood). Kevin and Anthony saw us leave. They didn't, however, see us come back and climb down the window well into my basement.

My brothers, curious of course after the tale we had told them, decided to investigate. They started to head down the stairs into my basement, but before they could reach the bottom they heard strange sounds coming from the closet (in which Katie and I were hiding). We banged on the doors, threw things...it was most excellent. My brothers were scared shitless. They ran upstairs and cried to my mother, who told them they were being ridiculous. Meanwhile, Katie and I climbed back out of the window well and walked in my back door, pretending to return from Sarah's house. Wonderful timing. Kevin and Anthony completely bought it.

We didn't tell them the truth for another year or so, when they both insisted that they knew all along.

We.Are.Wonderful.

HOLY SHIT!!

Bobby G is coming over TONIGHT!!!
I'm SO excited, you don't even understand!

This woke me up.

It dawned on me that I never really explained why I needed to stop talking to you for a while. It's kind of silly, really.

She read our conversations and told you it seemed like you were contributing...almost as if you felt like I did. You assured her that you just "didn't want to be a dick" by not responding. You probably didn't mean it. Maybe you did. Next time, if that's how you feel, I'd rather you not answer me.

I'm not sure why "yeah I responded, because we're friends" wouldn't have been a reasonable response to her questioning.

Anyway, it's not a big deal, and it's in the past now. I just think about it once in a while and it makes me feel a little shitty. I'm sure you understand.

Oh Charles, how we miss you.

Love you Dad. <3

Kevin as Britney Spears

One time we dressed Kevin up like Britney Spears and had him dance around the family room. My uncle was very concerned.

The end.

I think I'll tell some stories on this blog.

This one is quite amusing. I wrote about it every year in elementary school whenever we had to write a personal narrative, and I got it published in a kids' magazine in the "Most Embarrassing Moments" section when I was 12. True story.

1996, I believe it was. My best friend went by the name of Katie Rose. I, of course, was Katie Marie. We were 8, and did almost everything together. We lived on the same block...our yards were touching. Our families were close. We made gingerbread houses together every Christmas.

We watched the same movies, played the same sports, and liked the same boys. One day we were playing "house" in my yard and we asked each other who our husbands would be. Both of us replied, without hesitation, "Chris Rierson."

Chris, our neighbor and babysitter at the time, was quite a stud in those days. 13 years old with giant square-rimmed glasses and a mouth full of braces. Oh baby. Katie Rose and I both wanted in that boy's pants like you wouldn't believe. Well, maybe not in his pants...we were 8. We wanted to do with him whatever you do with boys when you're 8. Play on the swingset? I don't know.

Anyway, because Chris was my babysitter, he and my mother were very buddy-buddy. On the day my mom took me and Katie Rose to see "Matilda" at the theater, Chris joined us.

My mother is not one to spend extra money on ANYTHING, so there was no way we were going to get any food at the movie theater. We decided to go to our favorite pizza place before the show...Garibaldi's. Mmmmm. We found a booth and sat down. We chit-chatted for a while before I got up to wash my hands. I was starving, and was excited to see that by the time I returned to our booth, the pizza was already on the table! Eager to dig in, I took my seat....on top of the OTHER pizza my mother had ordered and placed right where I had been sitting.

The scolding hot tomato sauce burned my ass through my denim shorts and dripped down my leg, leaving a scar on my left ankle that has barely faded to this day. I of course began to cry uncontrollably, and while my memory is not crystal clear I imagine I did some sort of embarrassing dance around the restaurant. Meanwhile, my mother, best friend, and babysitter/crush laughed their asses off. I can't remember if my brothers were there, but no doubt if two of them were present they were getting a kick out of it too. To make matters worse, my mother wouldn't stop back at home for me to change clothes before the movie. I had to sit through the entire show with a giant red spot on my ass.



Stories to look forward to this week:
1) Kevin as Brittany Spears.
2) Casper.
3) Sarah and the Pokemon Language.


Get excited.

So there was this turkey,

And it was IN OUR YARD. A fucking wild turkey. How nuts it that? VERY.

Yesterday was delicious.

8am soccer game with Katie and the Tre boys. My team dominated. I had 5 goals. Katie and I are both incredibly sore. It feels good.

Had a little get-together at my place. Many good times were had. Ask.

Mom comes home Wednesay night. I hope she won me some money.

Hello, Enzyte and GGW commercials.

3 am. Can't sleep.

Bitchhhhhhh.

A funny thing happened a few nights ago. Rather than typing out this story again, here's the message I sent Hays telling him about it:

"So, funny story about that. Last night Carsten and I are at the movies with some people (seeing the midnight showing of Batman, obviously), when we get to talking about your crazy ass. We decide to send you a text, seeing as I had what I thought was your cell number in my phone. Naturally, I send this: 'Bitchhhhhhhh.'

Just a few moments later I receive a phonecall from a private number. A woman asks me my name and tells me that she was deeply disturbed and frightened by my text to her phone. To make matters worse, she is a middle-aged woman, she says, who is out of work and cannot afford to pay for these text messages. She also wonders why on Earth I think she's a bitch. I explain that the text was meant for a friend who must have changed his number. She proceeds to lecture me on how I should not call my friends that word, and tells me I'm lucky that text didn't reach my friend because he might not understand that I was kidding.

I'm still unsure whether or not the woman was actually a friend of yours messing around, but regardless, Carsten and I got a good laugh out of the whole thing."



Turns out, it wasn't one of Danger's friends.
That woman was for real. Ridiculous.
And just to clarify: Hays, I wasn't kidding. I really do think you're a bitch.
Plus some h's.

I have,

a perpetual charlie horse in my right calf.
Dang.

"Cold silence has

A tendency to
Atrophy any
Sense of compassion."
{Tool}

It's raining rather hard right now. I absolutely love rain.
EXCEPT for when I have outdoorsy plans, as I do for tomorrow morning.
This soccer game is going to get MESSY.

On the bright side, can you say 11.6 pounds? I can.

I made some new best friends.

My brothers.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself that I forget that my little brothers went through most of the same shit I did, but at a much younger age. These kids are strong. And amazing. And funny! Man are they funny. Kevin is so creative in his humor...I would never even think to say some of the hilarious things that come out of his mouth. And Anthony's got his dad's dry, sarcastic sense of humor, which I absolutely love. Kevin's been joining me on my workouts and my friends and I have been bringing him (and sometimes Anthony) out with us a couple of times a week. It's been a blast. I wish summer didn't have to end.

Goodbye, grey sky; hello blue.

Quickly figuring out what I need to do to be happy. I've made myself quite the list of DOs and DON'Ts, and it's all starting to become natural to me. So much has changed in the last week. The way I think, the way I feel...it's all happening very fast, and I love it.

On a somewhat related note, I'm down 9lbs from my weight at the beginning of the summer. 7 to go before I reach my "target weight," though I wouldn't mind losing another 5 or so after that. I've completely changed my eating habits and have been working out every day. I have so much more energy now, and I feel wonderful.

"I wish this could've been any other way

but I just don't know,
I don't know
what else I can do."
-NIN

All good things must come to an end, I suppose.
Everything will be alright.

Seriously?

Can you BELIEVE the game last night? 15 innings, are you for real?

Old best friends and Mario Kart 64. It doesn't get much better than that.

I just got off the phone,

with Mr. Green. He called while walking his dog, just to talk.
That man is amazing. He made my day.

Today,

I am wonderful.

Fallen angel, I'll forgive you anything

Working on a bit of a lifestyle change. Can't explain it--not sure I want to. Things just weren't going the way that I wanted them to.

First day was amazing. Reflected. Wrote a lot. Working on becoming the person I want to be. I've traveled pretty far off my desired path...farther than I realized until now. This may take a while.

I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow


...and I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

Ohhhhh you.

Sometimes I wish you would go taste-test some bullets.

Thanks.

Smile because it happened.

The California trip is officially over :/
I had a wonderful time. Observe.

















I have many more photos, but they're on my laptop, which is broken. :(