Fuck 8:30am chem lab.
The end.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Scrabble
I lost to my mother in Scrabble for the first time tonight.
Tragic.
She's super good though.
Want to play me?
Tragic.
She's super good though.
Want to play me?
I won't let you fall apart.
I'm not going to let this get me down anymore. One day is more than enough, right? It's not anyone's fault that he doesn't want to be with me. I've got plenty going for me...I don't need a guy in my life to reassure me of that. Time to concentrate on getting that 4.0 this semester :)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
You'll always be a part of me.
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be
--Billy Joel, "Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)"
I saw Juno last night, for the second time. I'd almost forgotten what an amazing film it is. Besides the obvious, Juno's relationship with her father really got to me. The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. It will have been 5 years on February 12th. It kills me to think that he won't be around to see me have my first child. He won't be there to see me graduate college, or walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I've decided that the life I've been living isn't one that he would've wanted for me. I'm not happy, and I'm allowing people into my life that are keeping me from happiness. I'm going to make some changes.
I don't believe in the afterlife, but it's times like these that make me hope I'm wrong. Dad, if you're out there, I love you. I'm going to make you proud.
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me
Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be
--Billy Joel, "Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)"
I saw Juno last night, for the second time. I'd almost forgotten what an amazing film it is. Besides the obvious, Juno's relationship with her father really got to me. The anniversary of my dad's death is coming up. It will have been 5 years on February 12th. It kills me to think that he won't be around to see me have my first child. He won't be there to see me graduate college, or walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I've decided that the life I've been living isn't one that he would've wanted for me. I'm not happy, and I'm allowing people into my life that are keeping me from happiness. I'm going to make some changes.
I don't believe in the afterlife, but it's times like these that make me hope I'm wrong. Dad, if you're out there, I love you. I'm going to make you proud.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Jen and I are very productive in calculus class.
Jen and I have calculus together this semester. Not only is the class ridiculously easy (for some of us), but the professor puts me to sleep. To stay awake, Jen and I write to each other in our notebooks.
Here are some excerpts from my calc notes, taken today. You can make your own assumptions about what exactly was going on.
"That's what she said" (in response to Jen's "shoot me in the face...PLEASE!")
"Fuckin' A, it's my lucky day!"
"I'm gonna get my hair cut like his."
"You should lend him your vest."
(Drawing of our 100000-year-old professor wearing Jen's furry vest)
"He's not going to argue the 'REASONABLENESS'."
"Speaking of erections, I have one."
"That's what I'm getting you for your birthday, along with a first edition Bible and 'Pootie Tang'."
Hahaha. Maybe you had to be there. But probably not.
Here are some excerpts from my calc notes, taken today. You can make your own assumptions about what exactly was going on.
"That's what she said" (in response to Jen's "shoot me in the face...PLEASE!")
"Fuckin' A, it's my lucky day!"
"I'm gonna get my hair cut like his."
"You should lend him your vest."
(Drawing of our 100000-year-old professor wearing Jen's furry vest)
"He's not going to argue the 'REASONABLENESS'."
"Speaking of erections, I have one."
"That's what I'm getting you for your birthday, along with a first edition Bible and 'Pootie Tang'."
Hahaha. Maybe you had to be there. But probably not.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I want you to notice when I'm not around.
I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
Radiohead--"Creep"
I've been having a great week, relatively speaking. My classes this semester don't suck nearly as much as I anticipated, and while I'll miss the family, I'm glad to be back around my Des Moines friends.
Noteable "that's what she said" from earlier tonight...
Jen: "How did you know exactly where to put it?"
Wednesday night was nearly perfect. I won't explain it, mostly because I'm not sure I could if I tried...but there were moments when I felt a happiness I haven't felt in a very long time. Maybe it was nothing...maybe it was just me. But I don't want this feeling to go away.
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
Radiohead--"Creep"
I've been having a great week, relatively speaking. My classes this semester don't suck nearly as much as I anticipated, and while I'll miss the family, I'm glad to be back around my Des Moines friends.
Noteable "that's what she said" from earlier tonight...
Jen: "How did you know exactly where to put it?"
Wednesday night was nearly perfect. I won't explain it, mostly because I'm not sure I could if I tried...but there were moments when I felt a happiness I haven't felt in a very long time. Maybe it was nothing...maybe it was just me. But I don't want this feeling to go away.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
You should watch this movie.
I wrote this for my American Racism class last semester.
The assignment: Employing the resources we have used so far, write a critical review of Bamboozled.
“Irony, derision or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice or stupidity.” The definition of the word satire, strategically recited over the thought-provoking lyrics of Stevie Wonder’s “Misrepresented People,” makes for an adumbrative introduction to Spike Lee’s controversial film Bamboozled. Just minutes into the film, while Wonder sings of the importance of disproving black stereotypes in the U.S., two principle characters are introduced to reinforce them. A recurring theme throughout Lee’s film is America’s denigration of African Americans in society and the factors that contribute to such racist tendencies. The most influential of these factors, Bamboozled would seem to suggest, is the African American people themselves. I believe that Lee’s purpose in creating this work was to deliver a message similar to the one emphasized in the film’s opening song: It is the responsibility of black Americans to “never be a misrepresented people.” The director attempts to do so through demonstrating the extreme opposite of this premise, an experiment that undoubtedly invokes outrage in the majority of viewers. While the exaggerated stereotyping and the characters’ racist language and behavior could easily be misinterpreted as intolerant rather than satirical, the historical accuracy and social tendencies depicted in Lee’s film demand that the educated audience member consider racism in America today, and the possibility that the fictional events that occur in Bamboozled could likely become a reality if society doesn’t change its ways.
In Bamboozled, Lee showcases black stereotypes employed both in the present day and in centuries past, and does so deliberately to demonstrate to the audience the striking similarities between the two. Most of the main characters in the film are African American men, depicted as lazy and carefree. Manray and Womack “work” on the streets for coins, and aspire only to make big money with little effort. To augment this view of the typical black man in society, the two performers’ names are changed for the “New Millennium Minstrel Show.” The dancer becomes Mantan: a reference to Mantan Moreland, a black actor from the 1930s and 40s who played up on African American stereotypes to entertain audiences as a dim-witted, easily frightened “manservant.” Womack is renamed “Sleep and Eat,” obviously suggesting that the typical black man wants nothing more than to spend his life sleeping and eating. Both characters cover themselves in blackface, a ritual originally created so that white actors could portray black characters. The fact that the director chose black actors to star in blackface further shows Lee’s belief that some African Americans help to reinforce black stereotypes, rather than destroy them. Manray, especially, is ready and willing to belittle black Americans and encourage racist thoughts and behavior, as long as he’s promised a paycheck.
In addition to the black performers, Lee introduces another group to show a more modern form of black stereotypes. The Mua Muas, a group of aspiring African American hip-hop artists, attempt to refute negative views on black society. Their behavior, however, represents a perfect example of such negative opinions. The group spends their time sitting around drinking and smoking, and doing not much else. The “music” they create is derogatory, and reflects mostly on themselves in a negative light. The action they do eventually take (killing Mantan) demonstrates the violent tendencies that are often believed to be characteristics of black men, further encouraging African American stereotypes.
The only woman in the film with a significant role is Sloan, an attractive and ambitious black woman who disagrees with the production of “The New Millennium Minstrel Show” due to its denigrating material. Sloan represents the typical black woman in the historical representation of a black family—she’s strong and opinionated, and seen as a sexual object (especially in the original script of Bamboozled). The women portrayed in the minstrel show have small roles and do not speak. I believe the reasoning behind this is that the show’s intention was to accentuate the negative stereotypes of black Americans, and the most belittling and potentially entertaining stereotypes are of male slaves.
Dunwitty, who helps get the minstrel show on the air, is familiar with the success that stereotypically “black” entertainment has in the media. The CNS Entertainment V.P. tells Delacroix that African Americans “set the trends,” and that the best way to sell a television program is to incorporate them into it. I believe that Spike Lee intended for the stereotypical black characters in “The New Millennium Minstrel Show” to represent the African American entertainers of today who are determined to earn a few extra dollars, even if it means exploiting their own people and spreading negative views directed at their race. Bamboozled viewers are astonished to see the audience of the minstrel show delighted at such racist implications presented on stage—a reaction that may have been expected from an audience from 60 plus years ago. Lee is demonstrating in this way how history may “repeat itself”—in other words, society may revert to its previous ways of thinking if African American entertainers continue to make racist language and behavior acceptable and enjoyable.
Spike Lee’s satirical film Bamboozled cleverly demonstrates the entertainment industry’s ability to alter social opinion, whether for better or worse, by showing a fictional exaggeration of the very real misrepresentation of African Americans in the media. For the audience member who recognizes the parallels between “The New Millennium Minstrel Show,” the entertainment of past centuries, and the entertainment of today, Bamboozled is a thought-provoking film that encourages viewers to look at modern society and consider how to prevent the hypothetical events Lee presents from occurring in our future. I believe that Lee did an excellent job of bringing elements of racial beliefs throughout history and those of today together to scare Bamboozled’s mature audience members into looking at the path American society is going down, and comparing it to those we’ve already travelled. I think Lee hoped to inspire change in the way African Americans portray themselves, as well as in how all Americans view the issue of race. While convincing the entertainment industry to stop using the “N” word and start respecting everyone equally would be next to impossible, I do believe that Lee’s film succeeded in its goal on an individual basis, and that few people who view Bamboozled are unaffected by its message.
--Kathleen Wilson, 10-1-2007
More writings: check out the posts titled "Some stuff I found" and "Thank you, Mr. Brewner."
The assignment: Employing the resources we have used so far, write a critical review of Bamboozled.
“Irony, derision or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice or stupidity.” The definition of the word satire, strategically recited over the thought-provoking lyrics of Stevie Wonder’s “Misrepresented People,” makes for an adumbrative introduction to Spike Lee’s controversial film Bamboozled. Just minutes into the film, while Wonder sings of the importance of disproving black stereotypes in the U.S., two principle characters are introduced to reinforce them. A recurring theme throughout Lee’s film is America’s denigration of African Americans in society and the factors that contribute to such racist tendencies. The most influential of these factors, Bamboozled would seem to suggest, is the African American people themselves. I believe that Lee’s purpose in creating this work was to deliver a message similar to the one emphasized in the film’s opening song: It is the responsibility of black Americans to “never be a misrepresented people.” The director attempts to do so through demonstrating the extreme opposite of this premise, an experiment that undoubtedly invokes outrage in the majority of viewers. While the exaggerated stereotyping and the characters’ racist language and behavior could easily be misinterpreted as intolerant rather than satirical, the historical accuracy and social tendencies depicted in Lee’s film demand that the educated audience member consider racism in America today, and the possibility that the fictional events that occur in Bamboozled could likely become a reality if society doesn’t change its ways.
In Bamboozled, Lee showcases black stereotypes employed both in the present day and in centuries past, and does so deliberately to demonstrate to the audience the striking similarities between the two. Most of the main characters in the film are African American men, depicted as lazy and carefree. Manray and Womack “work” on the streets for coins, and aspire only to make big money with little effort. To augment this view of the typical black man in society, the two performers’ names are changed for the “New Millennium Minstrel Show.” The dancer becomes Mantan: a reference to Mantan Moreland, a black actor from the 1930s and 40s who played up on African American stereotypes to entertain audiences as a dim-witted, easily frightened “manservant.” Womack is renamed “Sleep and Eat,” obviously suggesting that the typical black man wants nothing more than to spend his life sleeping and eating. Both characters cover themselves in blackface, a ritual originally created so that white actors could portray black characters. The fact that the director chose black actors to star in blackface further shows Lee’s belief that some African Americans help to reinforce black stereotypes, rather than destroy them. Manray, especially, is ready and willing to belittle black Americans and encourage racist thoughts and behavior, as long as he’s promised a paycheck.
In addition to the black performers, Lee introduces another group to show a more modern form of black stereotypes. The Mua Muas, a group of aspiring African American hip-hop artists, attempt to refute negative views on black society. Their behavior, however, represents a perfect example of such negative opinions. The group spends their time sitting around drinking and smoking, and doing not much else. The “music” they create is derogatory, and reflects mostly on themselves in a negative light. The action they do eventually take (killing Mantan) demonstrates the violent tendencies that are often believed to be characteristics of black men, further encouraging African American stereotypes.
The only woman in the film with a significant role is Sloan, an attractive and ambitious black woman who disagrees with the production of “The New Millennium Minstrel Show” due to its denigrating material. Sloan represents the typical black woman in the historical representation of a black family—she’s strong and opinionated, and seen as a sexual object (especially in the original script of Bamboozled). The women portrayed in the minstrel show have small roles and do not speak. I believe the reasoning behind this is that the show’s intention was to accentuate the negative stereotypes of black Americans, and the most belittling and potentially entertaining stereotypes are of male slaves.
Dunwitty, who helps get the minstrel show on the air, is familiar with the success that stereotypically “black” entertainment has in the media. The CNS Entertainment V.P. tells Delacroix that African Americans “set the trends,” and that the best way to sell a television program is to incorporate them into it. I believe that Spike Lee intended for the stereotypical black characters in “The New Millennium Minstrel Show” to represent the African American entertainers of today who are determined to earn a few extra dollars, even if it means exploiting their own people and spreading negative views directed at their race. Bamboozled viewers are astonished to see the audience of the minstrel show delighted at such racist implications presented on stage—a reaction that may have been expected from an audience from 60 plus years ago. Lee is demonstrating in this way how history may “repeat itself”—in other words, society may revert to its previous ways of thinking if African American entertainers continue to make racist language and behavior acceptable and enjoyable.
Spike Lee’s satirical film Bamboozled cleverly demonstrates the entertainment industry’s ability to alter social opinion, whether for better or worse, by showing a fictional exaggeration of the very real misrepresentation of African Americans in the media. For the audience member who recognizes the parallels between “The New Millennium Minstrel Show,” the entertainment of past centuries, and the entertainment of today, Bamboozled is a thought-provoking film that encourages viewers to look at modern society and consider how to prevent the hypothetical events Lee presents from occurring in our future. I believe that Lee did an excellent job of bringing elements of racial beliefs throughout history and those of today together to scare Bamboozled’s mature audience members into looking at the path American society is going down, and comparing it to those we’ve already travelled. I think Lee hoped to inspire change in the way African Americans portray themselves, as well as in how all Americans view the issue of race. While convincing the entertainment industry to stop using the “N” word and start respecting everyone equally would be next to impossible, I do believe that Lee’s film succeeded in its goal on an individual basis, and that few people who view Bamboozled are unaffected by its message.
--Kathleen Wilson, 10-1-2007
More writings: check out the posts titled "Some stuff I found" and "Thank you, Mr. Brewner."
If your intentions are pure...
Call me now, it's alright
It's just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
'Cause you can't hide
So call and I'll get right back
If your intentions are pure
I'm seeking a friend
For the end
Of the world
--Chris Cornell "Preaching the End of the World"
I'm devastated.
I just found out Chris Cornell has a wife and child.
Now I can't marry him for his voice.
AND I looked up Maynard Keenan (of Tool and A Perfect Circle)
And he's not my type either.
So I might have to paper bag it.
Tragic.
It's just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
'Cause you can't hide
So call and I'll get right back
If your intentions are pure
I'm seeking a friend
For the end
Of the world
--Chris Cornell "Preaching the End of the World"
I'm devastated.
I just found out Chris Cornell has a wife and child.
Now I can't marry him for his voice.
AND I looked up Maynard Keenan (of Tool and A Perfect Circle)
And he's not my type either.
So I might have to paper bag it.
Tragic.
If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend.
{Stone Temple Pilots--"Still Remains"}
Chem lab is from 8:30am to 12:30 on Tuesdays. Naturally, I got up at 7:30 this morning to make sure I was in class on time. Guess what? Cancelled this week. Shittttttttt.
Chem lab is from 8:30am to 12:30 on Tuesdays. Naturally, I got up at 7:30 this morning to make sure I was in class on time. Guess what? Cancelled this week. Shittttttttt.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Can this world really be as sad as it seems?
Why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
I think you owe me a great big apology
I really don't know what you mean
Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams
I feel my hatred grow all the more extreme
Can this world really be as sad as it seems?
--Nine Inch Nails {Terrible Lie}
Here's another survey.
-----------10 years ago-----------
1.) How old were you?: 9
2.) Where did you go to school?: Marion Jordan Elementary School
3.) where did you work?: Haha.
4) Where did you live?: Barrington, IL
5.) Where did you hang out?: Katie's house
6) Did you wear glasses?: Big ones
7.) Who was your best friend?: Katie B!!
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: None
9.) How many piercings did you have?: None
10.) What car did you drive?: Well gee, there were so many...
11.) Had you been to a real party?: Hah, I'm not sure I've been to a "real" party to date.
12.) Had you had your heart broken?: No
-----------5 years ago-----------
1.) How old were you?: 14
2.) Where did you go to school?: Plum Grove Junior High/William Fremd HS
3.) Where did you work?: Just babysat once in a while
4.) Where did you live?: Barrington
5.) Where did you hang out?: Charlie's house, movies, the mall
6.) Did you wear glasses?: Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend?: Charlie Gurion
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: None
9.) How many piercings?: 5, all in the ears
10.) What did you drive?: Too young
11.) Had your heart broken?: I was just starting to date Jonathan. Oh my gosh, that was forever ago.
12.) Been to a real party?: Probably not.
13.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/ Divorced?: Taken.
------------2 years ago--------------
1.) How old were you?: 17
2.) Where did you go to school?: William Fremd High School
3.) Where did you work?: Osco Pharmacy...Hoffman Estates, IL
4.)Where did you live?: Barrington IL
5.) Where did you hang out?: On the basketball court/in the Fremd choir room
6.) Did you wear glasses?: Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend?: Jonathan :\
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: None
9.) How many piercings did you have?: 5 in the ears
10.) What did you drive?: My purple '97 minivan, Barney. Jealous?
11.) Had your heart broken?: Not yet.
12.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: Taken
----------------Today---------------
1.) How old are you?: 19
2.) Where do you go to school?: Drake University, Des Moines IA
3.) Where do you work?: Osco Pharmacy in IL, workin on a pharmacy tech job in Des Moines
4.) Where do you live?: In the dorms...back to Barrington on breaks
5.) Do you wear glasses?: Contacts
6.) Where do you hang out?: Courtney's room, Spike's, my house with Eldridge and the group when I'm at home.
7.) Do you talk to your old friends?: Most of them
8.) How many piercings do you have?: 6...bellybutton and 5 in the ears
9.) How many tattoos? None...soon, though.
10.) What kind of car do you have?: Barney
11.) Has your heart been broken?: Yes
12.) Single or Taken?: Single, I suppose
Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
I think you owe me a great big apology
I really don't know what you mean
Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams
I feel my hatred grow all the more extreme
Can this world really be as sad as it seems?
--Nine Inch Nails {Terrible Lie}
Here's another survey.
-----------10 years ago-----------
1.) How old were you?: 9
2.) Where did you go to school?: Marion Jordan Elementary School
3.) where did you work?: Haha.
4) Where did you live?: Barrington, IL
5.) Where did you hang out?: Katie's house
6) Did you wear glasses?: Big ones
7.) Who was your best friend?: Katie B!!
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: None
9.) How many piercings did you have?: None
10.) What car did you drive?: Well gee, there were so many...
11.) Had you been to a real party?: Hah, I'm not sure I've been to a "real" party to date.
12.) Had you had your heart broken?: No
-----------5 years ago-----------
1.) How old were you?: 14
2.) Where did you go to school?: Plum Grove Junior High/William Fremd HS
3.) Where did you work?: Just babysat once in a while
4.) Where did you live?: Barrington
5.) Where did you hang out?: Charlie's house, movies, the mall
6.) Did you wear glasses?: Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend?: Charlie Gurion
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: None
9.) How many piercings?: 5, all in the ears
10.) What did you drive?: Too young
11.) Had your heart broken?: I was just starting to date Jonathan. Oh my gosh, that was forever ago.
12.) Been to a real party?: Probably not.
13.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/ Divorced?: Taken.
------------2 years ago--------------
1.) How old were you?: 17
2.) Where did you go to school?: William Fremd High School
3.) Where did you work?: Osco Pharmacy...Hoffman Estates, IL
4.)Where did you live?: Barrington IL
5.) Where did you hang out?: On the basketball court/in the Fremd choir room
6.) Did you wear glasses?: Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend?: Jonathan :\
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: None
9.) How many piercings did you have?: 5 in the ears
10.) What did you drive?: My purple '97 minivan, Barney. Jealous?
11.) Had your heart broken?: Not yet.
12.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: Taken
----------------Today---------------
1.) How old are you?: 19
2.) Where do you go to school?: Drake University, Des Moines IA
3.) Where do you work?: Osco Pharmacy in IL, workin on a pharmacy tech job in Des Moines
4.) Where do you live?: In the dorms...back to Barrington on breaks
5.) Do you wear glasses?: Contacts
6.) Where do you hang out?: Courtney's room, Spike's, my house with Eldridge and the group when I'm at home.
7.) Do you talk to your old friends?: Most of them
8.) How many piercings do you have?: 6...bellybutton and 5 in the ears
9.) How many tattoos? None...soon, though.
10.) What kind of car do you have?: Barney
11.) Has your heart been broken?: Yes
12.) Single or Taken?: Single, I suppose
Trust me.
I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbicile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
--Tool {Sober}
I've decided to start each post with some song lyrics, because music is my entire life.
I'm back at Drake! Longest drive of my life. Not really, but it definitely felt like it. Now I'm in Whitley's room with Liz, because Jen and Andy are asleep in my room and I'm LOUD. We just got back from Spike's. I miss real food.
Liz and Taelyr are still not back at school because Taelyr left her purse at a gas station in ILLINOIS, and they drove all the way back from Drake to pick it up. That blows. : /
Whitley found a boy. He's super cute, and seems like a really nice guy. I'm so happy for her. She deserves someone as amazing as she is, seriously. Roadtrip to Texas, anyone?
I made a new year's resolution not to hook up with anyone I'm not dating. Except I decided if I really care about someone and would like to date him but circumstances prevent it, then it's okay. So I guess I'm cheating, but I'm alright with that. :)
I am just an imbicile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
--Tool {Sober}
I've decided to start each post with some song lyrics, because music is my entire life.
I'm back at Drake! Longest drive of my life. Not really, but it definitely felt like it. Now I'm in Whitley's room with Liz, because Jen and Andy are asleep in my room and I'm LOUD. We just got back from Spike's. I miss real food.
Liz and Taelyr are still not back at school because Taelyr left her purse at a gas station in ILLINOIS, and they drove all the way back from Drake to pick it up. That blows. : /
Whitley found a boy. He's super cute, and seems like a really nice guy. I'm so happy for her. She deserves someone as amazing as she is, seriously. Roadtrip to Texas, anyone?
I made a new year's resolution not to hook up with anyone I'm not dating. Except I decided if I really care about someone and would like to date him but circumstances prevent it, then it's okay. So I guess I'm cheating, but I'm alright with that. :)
Saturday, January 19, 2008
I think I used to have a purpose...then again, that might have been a dream.
1. Where is the boy you like now? Couldn't tell ya.
2. What are you doing Friday night? Probably missing home.
3. Name something you did yesterday? Took a legit 3 hour IQ test, and dominated.
4. Last person you text messaged? Taelyr (girl)
5. Who was the last person to call you? Taylor (boy)
6. What are you doing right now? Filling this out, obviously. And figuring out the plans for tonight, because apparently Eldridge and BC are on their way over.
7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to? I'm hoping to go to Italy this summer...
8. What color are your eyes? Blue/green, depending on what I'm wearing.
9. Are you allergic to anything? I think biology.
10. What are you doing today? Laundry, packing....back to Des Moines tomorrow. Oh yeah, and the boys are coming over in a half hour, so I'll probably do something with them, I guess.
12. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Joe.
13. What color is your hair? Strawberry blond, though it's mostly red now.
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? All I did was sing. Not much has changed.
16. Who knows a secret or two about you? I don't have many secrets.
17. When was the last time you worked out? 2 weeks ago. I went through a phase where I wanted to be super healthy all the time. That ended quickly.
18. Do you like fire? Not particularly.
19. Did you have a nap today? No, unfortunately.
20. What is your favorite drink? Water, but I like Dr. Pepper too.
21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? Jeans.
25. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing now? Forever XXI
26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? Yep, almost went to school for math education. Probably would've been a much better choice than pharmacy, given my academic strengths and weaknesses, yes?
28. Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I know of.
30. Have any regrets? Everyone does.
31. Where were you 1 hour ago? Steak 'n' Shake.
32. Where were you this weekend? Downtown for the most part.
35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? Ummm yes.
37. Is cheating ever okay? No. But everyone makes mistakes.
38. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? Liz, Taelyr, and Whitley <3
39. What are you looking forward to? Spring break.
41. Have you ever been lead on? Absolutely.
46. What song do you want played at your funeral? "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin (sp?) and "Lullaby" by Billy Joel.
47. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Hanging out with the girls.
48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Fuuuuuckkkkkk
49. Who will you be with this Saturday night? Well that would be tonight. And I'll be with the guys.
50. What woke you up this morning? My mother called to remind me of all the shit I have to do before tomorrow. So kind of her.
51. If you took a drug test would you pass it? Yes.
52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night? Time will tell.
53 Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Yesssss.
55. How many myspace accounts do you have? One. Why on Earth would I need more?
56. Do or did you like school? I loved high school...well, I loved choir in high school. Not loving college so much, but that's my own fault for choosing this major.
56. Song you're listening to? "Starfuckers, Inc." --Nine Inch Nails
57. Where would you like to live? Somewhere warm. Fuck this weather.
58. Do long distance relationships work? Depends on the people, of course.
60. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully finishing up pharmacy school.
61. Who is your number one on myspace? I have no idea.
62. Who do you wish you were with right now? There are a few people.
1. What is the best way to get over someone? Workin' on it, my friends. When I know, you'll know.
2. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? Mascara.
3. Is your AIM away message on? I'm not logged in.
4. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pasta, preferably from Noodles & Company.
5. Where would you like to be right now? Somewhere where the temperature is above 0 degrees.
6. Are you single? I guess so.
7. Are you okay with that? Can't do much about it now, can I?
8. Anyone on your mind? Of course.
11. Do you currently like anyone? Duh.
12. Ever told someone you loved them and not mean it? Yes.
13. Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it? Undoubtedly.
14. Last person you hugged today? Liz
15. Have you ever been used? I'm sure.
16. Have you ever used anyone? Probably, but not intentionally, if that makes sense.
17. Most important part of a relationship? Trust.
18. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.
19. Is cheating acceptable in a relationship? No...but again, nobody's perfect.
20. Who's your current best friend(s)? I have a group of them.
21. Who was your first real best friend? Katie B!!!
22. Are you still best friends with that person? We're still close. Always will be.
23. What is your biggest fear? Spiders.
24. Who was the last person to call you? Big Country, this time.
25. Longest phone conversation? I used to talk to Jonathan for hours. Probably 5 or 6.
26. Do you drink? Nope.
27. Do you smoke? Absolutely not. Rrrrr....except hookah. But VERY rarely.
29. Last time you cried? It's actually been a while. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.
30. Reason for the last time you cried? A boy. See? Small stuff.
31. Ever done something really stupid? Ummm yes. Quite often, actually.
32. What can't you go a day without doing? Singing.
33. Do you miss anyone? Yes.
34. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I don't know?
38. Winter? FUCK IT.
47. Have you ever cried in public? Only over really serious stuff.
48. Do you own an ipod? Nope.
51. Are you keeping a secret from someone that needs to know the truth? No. I don't think so.
55. Winter or summer? Summer.
56. Night or day? Night
57. Biggest mistake you've made recently? Sometimes I let my feelings get the best of me. I did that.
59. Last time you were on a date? A real one? Not since Joe, I guess.
60. Do you believe in kissing on the first date? If it feels right.
65. Do you believe in sex on the first date? Not usually.
66. Where will you be in 4 years? Still in fucking pharmacy school. SWEET.
67. Do you have your future planned out? More than I'd like it to be.
68. Do you want to get married? Someday, if I meet the right person.
69. Describe your life in one word? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
1. Do you like blue cheese? Yep, on salad.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No.
3. Do you own a gun?Nope.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? Never been there. But I'd probably go with cherry-lime. Looks delicious on the commercials.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Only if I'm getting shots.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Depends on where they're from. Portillos = yummmmm.
7. Favorite Christmas song? Patrick's arrangement of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." Otherwise, "Carol of the Bells."
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water.
9. Can you do push ups? Yep.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My ring from Ireland.
12. Favorite hobby? Singing, duh.
14. Do you have A.D.D.? Sure do.
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to rely too much on what other people think.
16. Middle name? Marie.
17. disappeared? Well, that's not a complete question.
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Ummm my dentist appointment? I didn't really buy anything yesterday.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke.
20. Current worry? I still have a LOT to do before I leave tomorrow.
21.Current annoyance right now? My eyes are bothering me.
22. Favorite place to be? Anywhere, as long as I'm with people I care about.
24. Where would you like to go? Italy.
25. Name three people who will complete this? Ummm probably no one, especially because I haven't given anyone my url except for Liz and Taelyr.
26. Do you own slippers? Yep.
27. What shirt are you wearing? It's black.
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I have. But I probably wouldn't like it.
29. Can you whistle? Yep.
30. Favorite color? Green.
31. Would you be a pirate? Without hesitation.
32. What song do you sing in the shower? Frankie Valli music echoes well.
33. Favorite girl's name? Autumn.
35. What's in your pocket right now? A banana. Or am I just happy to see you?
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Stephen Lynch.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? I don't know that any of my sheets were superior over the others, but most of them had flowers on them.
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Broke my collar bone in elementary school.
39. Do you love where you live? I've learned to appreciate it much more now that I'm at school in Des Moines.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 6
41. Who is your loudest friend? Eldridge.
42. How many dogs do you have? One.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Maybe.
46. What is your favorite candy? At the moment, I'll have to go with Junior Mints.
47. Favorite Sports Team? Packers, but just to piss Chicago people off.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? We went over this.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? "Gosh, I hope I get to fill out a 5 million question survey today!"
2. What are you doing Friday night? Probably missing home.
3. Name something you did yesterday? Took a legit 3 hour IQ test, and dominated.
4. Last person you text messaged? Taelyr (girl)
5. Who was the last person to call you? Taylor (boy)
6. What are you doing right now? Filling this out, obviously. And figuring out the plans for tonight, because apparently Eldridge and BC are on their way over.
7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to? I'm hoping to go to Italy this summer...
8. What color are your eyes? Blue/green, depending on what I'm wearing.
9. Are you allergic to anything? I think biology.
10. What are you doing today? Laundry, packing....back to Des Moines tomorrow. Oh yeah, and the boys are coming over in a half hour, so I'll probably do something with them, I guess.
12. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Joe.
13. What color is your hair? Strawberry blond, though it's mostly red now.
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? All I did was sing. Not much has changed.
16. Who knows a secret or two about you? I don't have many secrets.
17. When was the last time you worked out? 2 weeks ago. I went through a phase where I wanted to be super healthy all the time. That ended quickly.
18. Do you like fire? Not particularly.
19. Did you have a nap today? No, unfortunately.
20. What is your favorite drink? Water, but I like Dr. Pepper too.
21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? Jeans.
25. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing now? Forever XXI
26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? Yep, almost went to school for math education. Probably would've been a much better choice than pharmacy, given my academic strengths and weaknesses, yes?
28. Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I know of.
30. Have any regrets? Everyone does.
31. Where were you 1 hour ago? Steak 'n' Shake.
32. Where were you this weekend? Downtown for the most part.
35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? Ummm yes.
37. Is cheating ever okay? No. But everyone makes mistakes.
38. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? Liz, Taelyr, and Whitley <3
39. What are you looking forward to? Spring break.
41. Have you ever been lead on? Absolutely.
46. What song do you want played at your funeral? "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin (sp?) and "Lullaby" by Billy Joel.
47. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Hanging out with the girls.
48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Fuuuuuckkkkkk
49. Who will you be with this Saturday night? Well that would be tonight. And I'll be with the guys.
50. What woke you up this morning? My mother called to remind me of all the shit I have to do before tomorrow. So kind of her.
51. If you took a drug test would you pass it? Yes.
52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night? Time will tell.
53 Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Yesssss.
55. How many myspace accounts do you have? One. Why on Earth would I need more?
56. Do or did you like school? I loved high school...well, I loved choir in high school. Not loving college so much, but that's my own fault for choosing this major.
56. Song you're listening to? "Starfuckers, Inc." --Nine Inch Nails
57. Where would you like to live? Somewhere warm. Fuck this weather.
58. Do long distance relationships work? Depends on the people, of course.
60. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully finishing up pharmacy school.
61. Who is your number one on myspace? I have no idea.
62. Who do you wish you were with right now? There are a few people.
1. What is the best way to get over someone? Workin' on it, my friends. When I know, you'll know.
2. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? Mascara.
3. Is your AIM away message on? I'm not logged in.
4. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pasta, preferably from Noodles & Company.
5. Where would you like to be right now? Somewhere where the temperature is above 0 degrees.
6. Are you single? I guess so.
7. Are you okay with that? Can't do much about it now, can I?
8. Anyone on your mind? Of course.
11. Do you currently like anyone? Duh.
12. Ever told someone you loved them and not mean it? Yes.
13. Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it? Undoubtedly.
14. Last person you hugged today? Liz
15. Have you ever been used? I'm sure.
16. Have you ever used anyone? Probably, but not intentionally, if that makes sense.
17. Most important part of a relationship? Trust.
18. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.
19. Is cheating acceptable in a relationship? No...but again, nobody's perfect.
20. Who's your current best friend(s)? I have a group of them.
21. Who was your first real best friend? Katie B!!!
22. Are you still best friends with that person? We're still close. Always will be.
23. What is your biggest fear? Spiders.
24. Who was the last person to call you? Big Country, this time.
25. Longest phone conversation? I used to talk to Jonathan for hours. Probably 5 or 6.
26. Do you drink? Nope.
27. Do you smoke? Absolutely not. Rrrrr....except hookah. But VERY rarely.
29. Last time you cried? It's actually been a while. I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff.
30. Reason for the last time you cried? A boy. See? Small stuff.
31. Ever done something really stupid? Ummm yes. Quite often, actually.
32. What can't you go a day without doing? Singing.
33. Do you miss anyone? Yes.
34. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I don't know?
38. Winter? FUCK IT.
47. Have you ever cried in public? Only over really serious stuff.
48. Do you own an ipod? Nope.
51. Are you keeping a secret from someone that needs to know the truth? No. I don't think so.
55. Winter or summer? Summer.
56. Night or day? Night
57. Biggest mistake you've made recently? Sometimes I let my feelings get the best of me. I did that.
59. Last time you were on a date? A real one? Not since Joe, I guess.
60. Do you believe in kissing on the first date? If it feels right.
65. Do you believe in sex on the first date? Not usually.
66. Where will you be in 4 years? Still in fucking pharmacy school. SWEET.
67. Do you have your future planned out? More than I'd like it to be.
68. Do you want to get married? Someday, if I meet the right person.
69. Describe your life in one word? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
1. Do you like blue cheese? Yep, on salad.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No.
3. Do you own a gun?Nope.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? Never been there. But I'd probably go with cherry-lime. Looks delicious on the commercials.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Only if I'm getting shots.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Depends on where they're from. Portillos = yummmmm.
7. Favorite Christmas song? Patrick's arrangement of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." Otherwise, "Carol of the Bells."
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Water.
9. Can you do push ups? Yep.
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My ring from Ireland.
12. Favorite hobby? Singing, duh.
14. Do you have A.D.D.? Sure do.
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to rely too much on what other people think.
16. Middle name? Marie.
17. disappeared? Well, that's not a complete question.
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Ummm my dentist appointment? I didn't really buy anything yesterday.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke.
20. Current worry? I still have a LOT to do before I leave tomorrow.
21.Current annoyance right now? My eyes are bothering me.
22. Favorite place to be? Anywhere, as long as I'm with people I care about.
24. Where would you like to go? Italy.
25. Name three people who will complete this? Ummm probably no one, especially because I haven't given anyone my url except for Liz and Taelyr.
26. Do you own slippers? Yep.
27. What shirt are you wearing? It's black.
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I don't think I have. But I probably wouldn't like it.
29. Can you whistle? Yep.
30. Favorite color? Green.
31. Would you be a pirate? Without hesitation.
32. What song do you sing in the shower? Frankie Valli music echoes well.
33. Favorite girl's name? Autumn.
35. What's in your pocket right now? A banana. Or am I just happy to see you?
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Stephen Lynch.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? I don't know that any of my sheets were superior over the others, but most of them had flowers on them.
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Broke my collar bone in elementary school.
39. Do you love where you live? I've learned to appreciate it much more now that I'm at school in Des Moines.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 6
41. Who is your loudest friend? Eldridge.
42. How many dogs do you have? One.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Maybe.
46. What is your favorite candy? At the moment, I'll have to go with Junior Mints.
47. Favorite Sports Team? Packers, but just to piss Chicago people off.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? We went over this.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? "Gosh, I hope I get to fill out a 5 million question survey today!"
Who are you to wave your finger? You musta been out your head.
I looooooooooooooooooove Maynard James Keenan. {Tool}
Marry me?
Today is Saturday.
I called my brother and told him I got a tattoo of an atom.
Life size.
He didn't understand.
I guess you had to be there.
I miss Courtney.
I spent the week with the rest of my soulmates, though. Liz, Taelyr, and Whitley.
I love them.
Especially when they fix my car.
The spare tire fell off of my minivan today/last night/weeks ago. We're not really sure. We just know it was dangling down there when Liz's dad saw it today. Soooo Whitley fixed it, because she's my hero. Don't worry, I sexed her up afterward to pay her back.
I forgot to bring Liz her phone last night, because I'm a terrible friend.
That reminds me, I have to text some people for her.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Marry me?
Today is Saturday.
I called my brother and told him I got a tattoo of an atom.
Life size.
He didn't understand.
I guess you had to be there.
I miss Courtney.
I spent the week with the rest of my soulmates, though. Liz, Taelyr, and Whitley.
I love them.
Especially when they fix my car.
The spare tire fell off of my minivan today/last night/weeks ago. We're not really sure. We just know it was dangling down there when Liz's dad saw it today. Soooo Whitley fixed it, because she's my hero. Don't worry, I sexed her up afterward to pay her back.
I forgot to bring Liz her phone last night, because I'm a terrible friend.
That reminds me, I have to text some people for her.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thank you, Mr. Brewner.
Junior year-- Honors English. A personal favorite.
Kathleen Wilson
E-308
9/20/05
Kathleen Wilson
E-308
9/20/05
Hell: Take 2
“You don’t understand,” she said. “People die from this.”
I heard a creak as I sat back in the old wooden chair in front of my computer desk. My head was down but out of the corner of my eye I could see my mother standing wide-eyed and somber across the room, the phone still clenched between her trembling fingers. My mind was racing and yet I couldn’t piece together a single thought. Had I heard her right? Was this really happening?
I wanted to comfort her, to run over and hug her and tell her everything would be alright. I wanted to tell her that whatever happened I would be here for her, and that we’d get through this together, but I knew I couldn’t. As awkward as the silence felt, any interaction between me and my mother would only make things worse. Too much had happened. We hadn’t hugged in years. Not since Dad left.
As she lowered the phone from her ear I frantically tried to turn my focus to anything but reality. My nails scratched at my seat, dropping little flakes of white paint onto the grey shag carpet that covered the floor of my family room. I stared at the blank computer screen, wishing for something to grab my attention.
Nothing.
I glanced to my left at the television, silently praying for anything to distract me from this nightmare.
No luck.
I forced myself to look into my mother’s eyes. I could tell she was trying not to cry but despite her greatest efforts the smallest tear rolled down her cheek and fell to the carpet. The tiny sound that came when she placed the phone back on my desk seemed to boom in the silence that had come over the house that was usually thriving with the laughter and screams of my little brothers. Kevin and Anthony were both away for the weekend, and I was glad. At 9 and 13 years old, I knew neither of them would understand. I didn’t even understand.
Cancer is defined as “any of various malignant neoplasms characterized by the proliferation of anaplastic cells that tend to invade surrounding tissue and metastasize to new body sites,” but only one word came to my mind: hell.
“Don’t most people live through this?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. I noticed my hands shaking slightly and my heart was beating hard enough to jump right out of my chest. “They have treatments, right?”
“Yeah, Kate,” my mother replied, trying to smile through the tears. “They have treatments.”
I sat in shock while she called her boss to say that she wouldn’t be coming into work tomorrow. Her voice was shaky and her teeth chattered as if she were outside in freezing weather without a coat. I had a hard time believing that her boss couldn’t tell something was wrong. As she placed the phone back on the base and sunk into the soft blue sofa, I snapped back to reality. I couldn’t ignore the facts anymore. This was happening. To my family. To me.
Again.
The wrinkling of my mother’s forehead when she cried made her look much older than 44. She stopped trying to hold back now and streams of water poured from her deep-set brown eyes giving the couch little dark spots, like the sidewalk at the beginning of a rainstorm. Her mascara smeared down to her cheekbones and her tears began to run black with her eyeliner. The room felt dark and cold despite the sunlight shining in through the sliding glass door just yards away. I stared silently as my mother clenched her hands into a fist and shook her head rapidly as if doing so would disprove this terrible news.
The date was June, 2004 and just two years had passed since this had happened to our family before. I hadn’t understood then and I didn’t understand now how a little lump could kill someone. Sure, in the lungs is a different story. Besides, Dad smoked…there was a reason for his cancer. And, as much as I hate to admit, a reason for his death.
“Mom, why do people get breast cancer?” I asked, after another long awkward silence. I felt childish asking such a question, but I really didn’t know. Though I was looking into my mother’s eyes, I was speaking not so much to her as to God. Why her? Why me?
“I don’t know,” she replied harshly, no longer trying to smile. She didn’t even turn her head to speak to me. My mother had passed the stages of shock and sadness and moved on to anger. Anger toward me. Anger toward the doctors. Anger toward herself.
In the next five minutes, this anger escalated into arguing and ridiculous accusations.
I was unsure exactly how to react. Should I defend myself? What right did she have to make me feel guilty for her cancer? Why should I sit there quietly while she told me that I was to blame?
Or should I feel sorry for her and let this go?
The walk up the flight of stairs into my bathroom seemed to take hours, though when I looked at the digital clock near the sink less than 2 minutes had passed. I stared at the worn-out, red-faced, tear-drenched image in the mirror. Her dark reddish-brown hair was frizzy and tangled and her eyes watery and bloodshot. I watched silently as she opened the drawer to the left of the sink and reached for the shiny, silver razorblade that had brought her comfort so many times before. It was like this every time—like an out-of-body experience. With the first drop of blood I saw a twisted, miserable half-smile begin to form on the little red-haired girl in the mirror.
I knew that in the back of my mind I’d been waiting for something like this to happen…something that would change her.
“What the hell is the matter with me?” I thought, disgusted in myself but still unable to shake the feeling. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe she’d try to be a better person. They’d told her as little as 6 months…maybe she would try to turn her life around. Turn my life around. Maybe this would be the last time I would need to escape from her like this.
I had never been more wrong.
“You don’t understand,” she said. “People die from this.”
I heard a creak as I sat back in the old wooden chair in front of my computer desk. My head was down but out of the corner of my eye I could see my mother standing wide-eyed and somber across the room, the phone still clenched between her trembling fingers. My mind was racing and yet I couldn’t piece together a single thought. Had I heard her right? Was this really happening?
I wanted to comfort her, to run over and hug her and tell her everything would be alright. I wanted to tell her that whatever happened I would be here for her, and that we’d get through this together, but I knew I couldn’t. As awkward as the silence felt, any interaction between me and my mother would only make things worse. Too much had happened. We hadn’t hugged in years. Not since Dad left.
As she lowered the phone from her ear I frantically tried to turn my focus to anything but reality. My nails scratched at my seat, dropping little flakes of white paint onto the grey shag carpet that covered the floor of my family room. I stared at the blank computer screen, wishing for something to grab my attention.
Nothing.
I glanced to my left at the television, silently praying for anything to distract me from this nightmare.
No luck.
I forced myself to look into my mother’s eyes. I could tell she was trying not to cry but despite her greatest efforts the smallest tear rolled down her cheek and fell to the carpet. The tiny sound that came when she placed the phone back on my desk seemed to boom in the silence that had come over the house that was usually thriving with the laughter and screams of my little brothers. Kevin and Anthony were both away for the weekend, and I was glad. At 9 and 13 years old, I knew neither of them would understand. I didn’t even understand.
Cancer is defined as “any of various malignant neoplasms characterized by the proliferation of anaplastic cells that tend to invade surrounding tissue and metastasize to new body sites,” but only one word came to my mind: hell.
“Don’t most people live through this?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. I noticed my hands shaking slightly and my heart was beating hard enough to jump right out of my chest. “They have treatments, right?”
“Yeah, Kate,” my mother replied, trying to smile through the tears. “They have treatments.”
I sat in shock while she called her boss to say that she wouldn’t be coming into work tomorrow. Her voice was shaky and her teeth chattered as if she were outside in freezing weather without a coat. I had a hard time believing that her boss couldn’t tell something was wrong. As she placed the phone back on the base and sunk into the soft blue sofa, I snapped back to reality. I couldn’t ignore the facts anymore. This was happening. To my family. To me.
Again.
The wrinkling of my mother’s forehead when she cried made her look much older than 44. She stopped trying to hold back now and streams of water poured from her deep-set brown eyes giving the couch little dark spots, like the sidewalk at the beginning of a rainstorm. Her mascara smeared down to her cheekbones and her tears began to run black with her eyeliner. The room felt dark and cold despite the sunlight shining in through the sliding glass door just yards away. I stared silently as my mother clenched her hands into a fist and shook her head rapidly as if doing so would disprove this terrible news.
The date was June, 2004 and just two years had passed since this had happened to our family before. I hadn’t understood then and I didn’t understand now how a little lump could kill someone. Sure, in the lungs is a different story. Besides, Dad smoked…there was a reason for his cancer. And, as much as I hate to admit, a reason for his death.
“Mom, why do people get breast cancer?” I asked, after another long awkward silence. I felt childish asking such a question, but I really didn’t know. Though I was looking into my mother’s eyes, I was speaking not so much to her as to God. Why her? Why me?
“I don’t know,” she replied harshly, no longer trying to smile. She didn’t even turn her head to speak to me. My mother had passed the stages of shock and sadness and moved on to anger. Anger toward me. Anger toward the doctors. Anger toward herself.
In the next five minutes, this anger escalated into arguing and ridiculous accusations.
I was unsure exactly how to react. Should I defend myself? What right did she have to make me feel guilty for her cancer? Why should I sit there quietly while she told me that I was to blame?
Or should I feel sorry for her and let this go?
The walk up the flight of stairs into my bathroom seemed to take hours, though when I looked at the digital clock near the sink less than 2 minutes had passed. I stared at the worn-out, red-faced, tear-drenched image in the mirror. Her dark reddish-brown hair was frizzy and tangled and her eyes watery and bloodshot. I watched silently as she opened the drawer to the left of the sink and reached for the shiny, silver razorblade that had brought her comfort so many times before. It was like this every time—like an out-of-body experience. With the first drop of blood I saw a twisted, miserable half-smile begin to form on the little red-haired girl in the mirror.
I knew that in the back of my mind I’d been waiting for something like this to happen…something that would change her.
“What the hell is the matter with me?” I thought, disgusted in myself but still unable to shake the feeling. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe she’d try to be a better person. They’d told her as little as 6 months…maybe she would try to turn her life around. Turn my life around. Maybe this would be the last time I would need to escape from her like this.
I had never been more wrong.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Some stuff I found
Hey, I found this. I wrote it when I was 15. Enjoy.
A ringing phone is not an uncommon sound, especially in a house with 3 children like the one I live in. Someone is always trying to get a hold of my mother to chat, my brothers for play dates, or myself to baby-sit. So when the phone rang one Wednesday evening in February of 2003, my heart didn’t skip a beat. I didn’t rush to look at the caller ID or pick up the receiver. I just sat in front of the computer and continued to chat with my friends. I had no idea that what was on the other side of that phone line would change my life forever.
At 6:28 pm my mother hung up the phone slowly and turned toward me. I wasn’t facing her direction, but I could see her face in the reflection of the computer screen.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, still looking at her through the reflection in the monitor.
“Come sit down,” she said quietly.
“I am sitting,” I replied.
“Please,” she said, obviously not wanting to argue with me. “Come sit down over here.”
I felt short of breath all of the sudden. My heart started beating rapidly and my mind raced. What’s going on? Why am I freaking out? I don’t even know what she’s going to say yet!
But I knew. I tried to tell myself that maybe nothing bad had happened. Maybe she had some good news for me. When I looked into her eyes I knew this wasn’t the case. Maybe I just got in trouble at school or something. No, I never get in trouble at school. As much as I tried to shake the feeling, I knew exactly what my mother had found out over the telephone just a few minutes ago.
Mom called my brothers from their rooms and asked them to sit down next to me. Kevin, who was barely 12 at the time, hurried down the stairs and sat himself next to me hoping for some exciting news. Anthony, 8, followed his brother and took his seat by Kevin’s side. We all looked wide-eyed at our mother as a tear fell down her cheek.
“I’m sorry guys. Your dad died this morning.”
Nobody said another word. Kevin, who was probably closest of the three of us with my father, obviously wanted to be alone and headed up to his room. Poor Anthony, who barely even got to know his dad, tried to follow Kevin to his bedroom but soon realized that he didn’t want to play anymore. I sat alone on the couch now, watching my mother in awe. Why was she crying? She didn’t even like Dad. Isn’t that why she divorced him?
I could tell my mother was trying to think of the right thing to say, but nothing came out but “I’m sorry.” She, too, left for her room leaving me to sit and think. I didn’t cry for a long time. I just sat a stared at the wall in shock. How could this be happening? You always see these kinds of things on TV, but you never think they’re going to happen to you. I’d heard plenty of statistics about the death rates of smokers, but I never thought that would affect anyone I knew, much less my own father.
The day my father died I realized how much I used to take my life for granted. So many people had harder lives than my own, and yet I still took every chance I got to complain about little insignificant problems. I took the people in my life for granted, assuming that they would always be there for me to lean on. I never really appreciate everyone who cared about me until I lost the one who cared the most.
A ringing phone is not an uncommon sound, especially in a house with 3 children like the one I live in. Someone is always trying to get a hold of my mother to chat, my brothers for play dates, or myself to baby-sit. So when the phone rang one Wednesday evening in February of 2003, my heart didn’t skip a beat. I didn’t rush to look at the caller ID or pick up the receiver. I just sat in front of the computer and continued to chat with my friends. I had no idea that what was on the other side of that phone line would change my life forever.
At 6:28 pm my mother hung up the phone slowly and turned toward me. I wasn’t facing her direction, but I could see her face in the reflection of the computer screen.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, still looking at her through the reflection in the monitor.
“Come sit down,” she said quietly.
“I am sitting,” I replied.
“Please,” she said, obviously not wanting to argue with me. “Come sit down over here.”
I felt short of breath all of the sudden. My heart started beating rapidly and my mind raced. What’s going on? Why am I freaking out? I don’t even know what she’s going to say yet!
But I knew. I tried to tell myself that maybe nothing bad had happened. Maybe she had some good news for me. When I looked into her eyes I knew this wasn’t the case. Maybe I just got in trouble at school or something. No, I never get in trouble at school. As much as I tried to shake the feeling, I knew exactly what my mother had found out over the telephone just a few minutes ago.
Mom called my brothers from their rooms and asked them to sit down next to me. Kevin, who was barely 12 at the time, hurried down the stairs and sat himself next to me hoping for some exciting news. Anthony, 8, followed his brother and took his seat by Kevin’s side. We all looked wide-eyed at our mother as a tear fell down her cheek.
“I’m sorry guys. Your dad died this morning.”
Nobody said another word. Kevin, who was probably closest of the three of us with my father, obviously wanted to be alone and headed up to his room. Poor Anthony, who barely even got to know his dad, tried to follow Kevin to his bedroom but soon realized that he didn’t want to play anymore. I sat alone on the couch now, watching my mother in awe. Why was she crying? She didn’t even like Dad. Isn’t that why she divorced him?
I could tell my mother was trying to think of the right thing to say, but nothing came out but “I’m sorry.” She, too, left for her room leaving me to sit and think. I didn’t cry for a long time. I just sat a stared at the wall in shock. How could this be happening? You always see these kinds of things on TV, but you never think they’re going to happen to you. I’d heard plenty of statistics about the death rates of smokers, but I never thought that would affect anyone I knew, much less my own father.
The day my father died I realized how much I used to take my life for granted. So many people had harder lives than my own, and yet I still took every chance I got to complain about little insignificant problems. I took the people in my life for granted, assuming that they would always be there for me to lean on. I never really appreciate everyone who cared about me until I lost the one who cared the most.
The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
Remember when I said I wasn't going to address the men issue?
I changed my mind.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I'm not waiting for the perfect man.
I found someone almost perfect.
Too bad he doesn't give two shits about me.
Unless it's Thursday.
Dear Thursday Boy,
Remember when you used to say goodnight first?
I miss that.
I changed my mind.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I'm not waiting for the perfect man.
I found someone almost perfect.
Too bad he doesn't give two shits about me.
Unless it's Thursday.
Dear Thursday Boy,
Remember when you used to say goodnight first?
I miss that.
The ocean is full 'cause everyone's crying
I changed my mind about answering the question about men. I want to smile for a bit, and I can't do that thinking about my boy situation, or lack there of. I'll probably end up ranting about it in the near future.
Liz, Taelyr, and Whitley are staying the night at my place tonight! Eldridge just left, and we're watching "Premonition." In other news, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Liz, Taelyr, and Whitley are staying the night at my place tonight! Eldridge just left, and we're watching "Premonition." In other news, I'm gonna go take a shower.
"Are You Waiting For The Perfect Man?"
We're watching "Just Shoot Me" (I looooooove this show) and the above title was the heading on one of the magazine articles in the show.
I'll answer it when we get back from the store.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I hope there's a roller coaster in Omaha.
I love museums. I DON'T love breaking my camera. Booooooooo.
Today we went to the Art Institute and the Shedd Aquarium (my personal favorite). I have some pretty sweet pictures that I managed to take despite my broken "capture" button. I'll upload them soon, promise.
Now we're at Liz's looking up our new RA on facebook. Whitley hopes he's not a "buttwipe." I hope that too. Buttwipes suck bigtime.
Taelyr has cute new hair. She's rubbing it on my boob right now. It smells nice. Her hair....not my boob. Though I'm sure that smells delightful as well.
Ritchie is barking. He's a dog, which I hope you deduced from my previous statement. He's super cute. I might steal him. Don't tell Liz. Or Dudley, my dog. He'll be pissed. He doesn't play well with others.
I love Taelyr, but she listens to REALLY bad music. I mean BAD. Like, I didn't know music this bad existed. I think she made it up. Just like her state. Nebraska is like Santa's Village, according to Liz. But I don't think it has rides. Though that would be sweet, and I would be much more inclined to visit her imaginary hometown if I knew there would be a roller coaster involved.
Today we went to the Art Institute and the Shedd Aquarium (my personal favorite). I have some pretty sweet pictures that I managed to take despite my broken "capture" button. I'll upload them soon, promise.
Now we're at Liz's looking up our new RA on facebook. Whitley hopes he's not a "buttwipe." I hope that too. Buttwipes suck bigtime.
Taelyr has cute new hair. She's rubbing it on my boob right now. It smells nice. Her hair....not my boob. Though I'm sure that smells delightful as well.
Ritchie is barking. He's a dog, which I hope you deduced from my previous statement. He's super cute. I might steal him. Don't tell Liz. Or Dudley, my dog. He'll be pissed. He doesn't play well with others.
I love Taelyr, but she listens to REALLY bad music. I mean BAD. Like, I didn't know music this bad existed. I think she made it up. Just like her state. Nebraska is like Santa's Village, according to Liz. But I don't think it has rides. Though that would be sweet, and I would be much more inclined to visit her imaginary hometown if I knew there would be a roller coaster involved.
Chicago > Des Moines
Today was an excellent day, save for waking up much much earlier than I intended on waking up. And by "much much earlier," I mean 1:30pm.
Taelyr and Whitley are in town for a visit! I drove to Liz's house this afternoon and we made our way to the south side of Chicago to pick up the girls. Getting off the bus at the Greyhound station, our ladies (Taelyr in a HOT PINK winter coat and hat) stuck out like a sore thumb in the crowd of Chicago natives. No matter though, they're my soulmates and I love them. Pink attire and all. We drove around the city for a while and stopped for a Chicago-style pizza dinner. Mmmmmm.
Chicago is so much better than Des Moines. Seriously. And Nebraska doesn't even really exist, so I feel really bad for Taelyr growing up there. I'm glad we're getting the chance to show the girls our town...this should make for an exciting week.
Lots of museums to visit tomorrow, so I'd better get to bed...more later!!
Taelyr and Whitley are in town for a visit! I drove to Liz's house this afternoon and we made our way to the south side of Chicago to pick up the girls. Getting off the bus at the Greyhound station, our ladies (Taelyr in a HOT PINK winter coat and hat) stuck out like a sore thumb in the crowd of Chicago natives. No matter though, they're my soulmates and I love them. Pink attire and all. We drove around the city for a while and stopped for a Chicago-style pizza dinner. Mmmmmm.
Chicago is so much better than Des Moines. Seriously. And Nebraska doesn't even really exist, so I feel really bad for Taelyr growing up there. I'm glad we're getting the chance to show the girls our town...this should make for an exciting week.
Lots of museums to visit tomorrow, so I'd better get to bed...more later!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Entropy = Disorder
Second law of thermodynamics.
Look it up. Now.
And I thought pharmacy school was going to be a waste of time.
Look it up. Now.
And I thought pharmacy school was going to be a waste of time.
You'll read about my sandwich, and you'll like it dammit. Welcome to my blog.
I've been against "blogging" for some time now. When I think of a blog, I think of some self-centered junior high brat with terrible grammar and WAY too much time on her hands. She can't wait to let the world know about the great sandwich she ate today, like anyone gives a shit. I had a blog once...a "xanga" that I wrote in every day for about two years. I looked back at it a while ago, and amid the plethora of spelling and punctuation errors I found tales of my middle school adventures, lists of the boys I thought were "hot" at Plum Grove, and oh yeah...an account of the peanut butter and jelly I'd consumed for lunch that day.
My point is this: I know that probably very few people care to read about the tiny details of my life that I fully intend on recording in this blog, just as very few people gave two shits about my xanga in 7th grade. What I wrote then was what was important to me then, and what I'll write now is what's important to me now. It's for me to enjoy and if you care to enjoy it with me, you're more than welcome. If you don't care about my sandwich, don't read my blog.
Today I had a BLT from Jimmy John's. It was delicious.
My point is this: I know that probably very few people care to read about the tiny details of my life that I fully intend on recording in this blog, just as very few people gave two shits about my xanga in 7th grade. What I wrote then was what was important to me then, and what I'll write now is what's important to me now. It's for me to enjoy and if you care to enjoy it with me, you're more than welcome. If you don't care about my sandwich, don't read my blog.
Today I had a BLT from Jimmy John's. It was delicious.
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