And I Said, "What About Breakfast at Tiffany's?"

Mr. O = Our calc professor
Purple=Jen
Blue=Kathleen

Here's some necessary info for understanding this story:
In case you haven't read our other masterpieces, every day at 1:00pm Mr. O shits his pants to hard that his hair falls out.
Yesterday, Jen and Andy (her boyfriend) had a pretty long argument about the term "dominant hand." Don't ask.
Oh, also, "Detective Dan" refers to a buddy of ours who likes to state the obvious.
A lot.
Enjoy.

Jen: One sunny day, Mr. O...

Kathleen: ...returned home from Drake, and found (to his surprise)...

...that Rob Johnson was eagerly awaiting him in Mr. O's bed. Rob wore a leopard-print silk thong and oil all over his body to show off his bulging muscles, or so he though.

Mr. O was very confused. Why on earth would someone be in his bed in a silk thong covered in oil? Only one man could solve such a ridiculously obvious mystery. Detective Dan!! As DD arrived on the scene, his theme song could be heard in the background. It goes a little something like this:

"It is Detective Dan! Detective Dan! The biggest douche bag! DDD..DDan. Dan is a douche bag!
Dan tapped his foot to the song.

He wrote it himself, and was quite proud of his work. He loved alliteration. Anyway, seeing Rob Johnson in Mr. O's bed, he immediately knew what was going on. After all, he IS a detective. DD explained to Mr. O...

that Rob Johnson wanted to ride on the slide! The oil made him go faster.

Mr. O was embarrassed for not having realized Rob Johnson's simple intentions. He'd thought Rob had wanted to have intercourse, or something. Haha, silly Mr. O. Everyone knows Rob Johnson only has sex with...

...his left hand. Try as he might, no person, male or female had accepted his coming on to them. Even his right hand--his dominant hand--wanted nothing to do with him.

Suddenly, Andy Johnson arrived to explain the term "dominant hand," and to argue that if Rob Johnson could jerk it using his left hand, then they are both dominant.

Unfortunately for Andy, he had not yet grasped the concept that handedness has little to actually do with which hand a person uses to write, but how the brain functions. Somewhere, off in the distance, Jen's head exploded. However, these are minor issues. Back to the story.

From Mr. O's bedroom, Detective Dan heard Rob Johnson exclaim "Wee!! Water slide!!!" DD began to get VERY jealous. He loved water slides!! He rushed in the room, only to be severely disappointed. Rob wasn't sliding down a water slide, he was...

...highly delusional. In fact, they were not even really in Mr. O's bedroom. Rob Johnson tended to hallucinate often. Actually, they were all...

...in Mr. O's MWF calculus class. All of this had gone on in front of the 8 students who showed up for his lectures. This would have been super embarrassing for Mr. O, except that 5 out of the 8 kids were sleeping, 2 were writing this story in the back of the room, and one was masturbating. Unfortunately, 1:00 was fast approaching...

...and Mr. O had forgotten his adult diapers AGAIN!! He did not want the class to see his problem, so he...

...yelled really loudly to cover the noise, and blamed the smell on Detective Dan. No one doubted Mr. O's accusation, because Dan's breath smelled like shit and wieners, and was quite potent.

The intellectuals in the back of the room hypothesized that Dan's breath was the result of him giving Mr. O a BJ he had performed oral sex on Dan. However, we digress.
No one doubted the smell was a result of Dan's breath.

The fact is, the smell of Dan's breath actually masked the smell of Mr. O's shit. Also, Mr. O's yells were unnecessary. The sound of Mr. O shitting himself was covered up by the sound of Dan farting loudly, then laughing about it for 20 minutes.

Dan was a very mature individual, as is here apparent. Dan laughed so hard, he...

Gave birth. That's right, he had a baby right then and there. 3, actually. Unfortunately, just then Andrew Drummond showed up and slaughtered Dan's children.

Then, Andrew became wrought with guilt. So wrought, that he...

...called his buddy Jesus (Andrew and JC are tight, if you know what I mean) to fix what he had done. "Can you resurrect those things?" Andrew asked. Jesus took one look at the hideous babies and replied...

"FUCK NO!" Dan's children were very ugly.

Jesus hated ugly people, and gay people too. Needless to say, everyone in that room was going straight to hell. Except for Jen and Kathleen, because while they're both very very gay, they're also very very attractive.

And Jesus loves hot lesbians. His mother had been one. Always a guy to cut to the chase, he sent everyone to hell immediately, except for Andrew Drummond. Jesus sent Andrew to the heaven for Jehovah's Witnesses, thinking that was the worse punishment, anyway.